International titans of industry, media, and politics examine one another’s genitals.
The Onion News• Politics• ISSUE 46•46• Nov 17, 2010
ST. MORITZ, SWITZERLAND—One hundred fifty of the world’s most powerful people in the fields of politics, banking, business, and media met this past weekend at an exclusive Swiss resort for the 54th annual invitation-only summit where they show each other their penises.
This year’s meeting was chaired by a committee that included Rupert Murdoch, former U.S. national security adviser Brent Scowcroft, oil heir David H. Koch, and Japanese finance minister Yoshihiko Noda, all of whom presided over the traditional penis-showing ceremony that has for decades been a banner event for the most influential international power brokers.The resort where the conference was held.
“I always look forward to this crucial and productive gathering,” said industrialist and banker Jacob Wallenberg of the Swedish Wallenbergs, a prominent European family that has wielded significant clout in global financial and political affairs for more than two centuries. “To see the penises of so many like-minded, forward-thinking men and to show them my own penis—this is what keeps the global wheels of industry and ingenuity turning.”
“After all, these are inarguably the most important penises of our time,” Wallenberg added before unzipping his tuxedo pants and heading back into a scrum of other immensely powerful and wealthy men already gazing contemplatively at one another’s exposed genitalia.
As it does every year, the ceremony followed a strict a system of seniority wherein members first reveal their sex organs to the seated committee and assembled invitees before the floor is opened up for general penis exposition. The honor of the showing of the first penis this year was given to billionaire real estate mogul Leonard Litwin, 95, the oldest member in attendance.
The penis of Pope Benedict XVI.
The annual penis-showing summit has a rich history, having first been held in 1957 at a Lake Tahoe chateau owned by American banker David Rockefeller, Sr. of the hugely influential six-generation Rockefeller oil dynasty. According to Rockefeller, the gathering was born of the simple idea that “the people who hold the most sway over the direction of world affairs ought naturally to have some sense of what each other’s penises look like.”
Since that time, power brokers from every continent—including people from backgrounds as widely varied as Hollywood film producer Robert Evans and the late Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein—have attended the summit to see other great men’s penises and to put their own penises on display.
“As the most junior invitee, when I had to stand in the middle of the ballroom and rotate slowly to show everyone my exposed penis after everyone else had showed theirs, there was a palpable sense of the history of all the great men’s penises that have been presented here over the years,” 26-year-old billionaire Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said. “And of course, to have my penis seen by luminaries such as [Russian prime minister] Vladimir Putin and [Saudi] King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz al-Saud is just such an honor.”
“It really makes you feel like you’re having a major impact on the world,” added Zuckerberg, the tip of his penis just peeking out from beneath a crisply starched white dress shirt.
Commenting on the tradition they hold in solemn regard, many in attendance said they view the summit primarily as a meeting of great minds, and then the showing to each other of the penises of the men who possess those great minds.
“It’s hard to believe that it’s been a whole year since I last saw Warren Buffett’s penis,” Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke said while treating his own penis with a high-quality tea tree oil moisturizer to protect it from chapping in the dry mountain air. “The insight I’ve gained from looking at that man’s penis is immeasurable. It’s just one hell of a penis.”
This year’s event was marred briefly when resort security reportedly had to chase Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos and presumptive Speaker of the House John Boehner away from an open window where they were desperately trying to catch a glimpse of the influential penises. However, the unpleasantness was quickly forgotten when, to the awe and delight of all present, billionaire media juggernaut Oprah Winfrey arrived to make the rounds.