Tag Archives: humor

Immigration disambiguated

Hi readers.  Thanks for coming by for a read this morning.

As a 1950s kid in Portales, New Mexico, the barber shops always had a bunch of old guys sitting around educating one another [and me] about how many Germans they killed personally during the Big War [WWI], along with how bad chlorine and mustard gas stuck in the gullet.

That’s where I also learned [before Sputnik 1 put that one to sleep] how the Good Lord wasn’t going to let men put anything into orbit around the earth.  How the Bible proved it by the way He destroyed Babylon and made everyone speak different languages.  You don’t hear a lot of that stuff anymore.

But another thing a kid heard a lot in those days was, “My granddaddy fought the Indians for this land.  I’m damned if I’m going to let [fill in the blank] do thus and so.”  Sometimes it was the Federal Government, sometimes the Communists, sometimes it was some potential foreign aggressor he wasn’t going to let get by with it.

A lot of their grandaddies also fought the Yankees for this land, but nevermind.

For most purposes those old guys didn’t find it convenient to mention a lot of their granddaddy’s fathers also fought the Mexicans for that land and took it away from them at the point of a gun.  Pretty much everything from Texas to California with a few other places thrown in for good measure.

That’s a fair synopsis of how immigration works.  Our ancestors came in and took it away from anyone who stood in the way of them.  If someone tried to stop them they dragged them out of their houses and killed them, burned the houses down and stole their livestock.  Just the way the Hebrews did to the folks who tried to keep them from stealing their lands in the Bible.  Just the way they’re still doing it to their neighbors in Palestine.

For a longish time when North America needed white people to fight the Indians, and fight the Mexicans. Live in hovels to scratch out bare livings on hardscrabble farms, coal mines, log forests, sweatshops making textiles, steel, tools, clothing, kitchen appliances, build railroads, immigration was groovy.  They Statue of Libertied the concept.

Nobody’d figured out yet you could just send the jobs to the pestholes those people were coming from and import their products without having to put up with the people.  Everyone could stay here, close the borders and sell hamburgers and insurance policies back and forth to one another or be cops and firemen.

So now it’s only the damned immigrants of earlier generations someone’s going to have to figure out what they can do about.  Sure, a few sneak across the borders still, and a lot of Asians get let in because we need people who can read and write and cypher.  But all in all the immigrants causing all the trouble in the US today are the ones who got here sometime before WWII.

Somethings going to have to be done about those bastards.

Old Jules.

 

 

 

Disambiguating Gratitude

Hi readers.  Thanks for coming by for a read.

I’m sure all of you are preoccupied, sneaking around every waking moment putting together all the things you’re thankful for in your lives so’s to not forget anything come Thursday.  I don’t want to interrupt that, but I’d just like to throw in a suggestion:

Try to keep it simple.  Try retain your sense of taste and perspective while you’re acknowledging all the things you’re grateful for.  Sure, you’re grateful for not being downrange of any presidential war of the moment, naturally you’re glad you’re not a Palestinian and the neighbors aren’t likely to bomb your home, set fire to the nearest hospital, nor come kick you out of the house so’s good Baptists can move in.  Of course you are.

But you don’t have to say all that.

Truth is you’re almost certainly dwelling on how damned lucky you are to have legitimate citizenship in this country because it took in the destitute downtrodden souls including your ancestors without asking a lot of questions instead of patting them on the back and sending them off to starve in the place they escaped from.

And naturally you’re thanking your lucky stars the multi-national corporations haven’t sent your particular job to some third-world cesspool where people work for a nickle a week.  Probably because you’re a cop or other government worker and they haven’t figured out how to outsource the scowling clerks doing their fingernails and talking on phones down at Department of Motor Vehicles to Chinamen.

All I’m trying to say is keep it simple this Thanksgiving.  Be glad nobody at the table is being held in a US penal institution at the moment getting anally raped by other Thanksgivers.  Be glad you’ve got a motor vehicle in the driveway you’ve never produced enough of anything during any decade of your life worth the sticker price of it.  Be thankful you’ve got at least another year of life ahead before all that Japanese radiation forces you to wonder whether all those nuclear power plants  were all that great an idea.

Maybe it’s a good time to really bundle up on Thanksgiving:  “I’m grateful for everything that’s ever happened to me in this lifetime.  I’m grateful for everything happening right this moment.  And I’m grateful for everything that is going to happen to me from now until I croak.”

That way you’ll have plenty of time to sort out the specifics without boring yourselves to tears.

Old Jules

Epiphany disambiguated

Hi readers.  Thanks for hanging in there.  I’d have written this sooner but I was waiting for a flash of profound understanding about whether ‘epiphany’ is singular, or plural.

Turns out it’s singular, but so vast it can buy beer and cigarettes without having to show its phony ID.  So here’s the thing about epiphany for those of you who haven’t yet experienced the ‘big one’.  Epiphany is what you experience when you know all the other epiphanies [singular] you’ve had during your lifetime were BS and the one you’ve just had is REAL.

You probably can avoid this by listening to talk radio.

Anyway, I’m logging on here because you readers are among the things I appreciate about being alive this long so I figured I might as well drop in and say hello.  I’ve been silent a goodly while because I didn’t figure I was going to live this long and there didn’t seem to be much to say that wouldn’t go just as well unsaid.  But there comes one of those moments when a person has to admit, “Screw it!  Ain’t any damned telling how long I’m going to hang around doing thees stupid life I’ve gotten myself into.  The sooner I get back to doing stuff the sooner I’ll get it over with, I reckons.”

So here I am, indefinitely, doing pretty well all things considered.  Pretty damned well.  All things considered.

So hello.

I’ve got some heartening news for those of you who get esophageal reflux, and some interesting things you can do with Masa Harina, but I’m going to keep you on the edge of your chairs and just announce they’ll be along.  Stay tuned.

Assuming I’m alive, everything else being equal.

Old Jules

Ronald Reagan and Oliver North never denied having gay sex

Think about it readers.  Oliver North denied having straight sex with Fawn Hall.  Bill Clinton denied having straight sex with Monica Wossname.

But neither Ronald Reagan, nor Oliver North ever denied having sex together.  And Hillary Clinton never denied having lesbian sex with Attorney General Janet Reno.

Reagan on Iran – Contra arms for hostages

Oliver North – Iran Contra

Fawn Hall Iran Contra testimony

Attorney General Janet Reno testifying before Congress

I bring this up because I’ve recently read somewhere that people are claiming the guy in the White House now is gay and the 1st Lady is a transsexual.   The real question is, who cares what US presidents do with their genitals?  Evidently the people making these claims arrived at their opinions by having sex of one sort or another with someone who resembled either the president, or the 1st Lady.  Otherwise how could anyone say with confidence what either of the White House residents do with the organs of reproduction?

I’ve never known with any certainty that Oliver North and Ronald Reagan consumated their relationship.  A far stronger case can be made that Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno consumated theirs, but because neither of them denied it we’ll never know.

So the current guy in the White House ought to be able go keep their noses clean, refuse to deny anything, and do just fine.

If they’ll avoid sending out the FBI, CIA, US Army, US Navy, AWOL, HIV and others to kill nondescript Americans minding their own business, that would help.  And trying to get out of the business of selling weaponry because advisers of either sex say to do it, heck, a person ought to be able to leave the White House exactly on time.

Plenty of time afterward to hang out in the gay bars if that’s what floats your boat.  Maybe you’ll run into Hillary if she doesn’t get elected president.

Old Jules

 

The Onion: Ukrainian-Russian Tensions Dividing U.S. Citizens Along Ignorant, Apathetic Lines

NewsPoliticsWorldpoliticiansISSUE 50•09Mar 3, 2014

“The very real threat of a Russia-Ukraine war has completely polarized the general public, pitting two deeply entrenched blocs against one another: those who have absolutely no clue what they’re talking about and those who couldn’t care less,” said Pew spokesman Andrew Collins, noting that the ouster of Ukraine’s president Viktor Yanukovych and Russia’s subsequent occupation of Crimea has inflamed tensions between the two sides to a level unseen since the height of the war in Syria. “This is not a distinctly regional or socioeconomic split, either. We’re seeing local workplaces, friends, even families ripped in two by their desire to either ignore the whole thing completely or spout an inane, half-witted opinion on it like they’re some geopolitical expert.”

“And as the situation develops and Western powers become more involved, these divisions will only appear more stark,” he added. “In the coming weeks, we can expect to hear a growing cacophony of uninformed and harebrained calls for action or restraint from one side, and absolutely nothing at all from the other.”

Results of the poll found that the two sides are at odds on nearly every facet of the crisis, from last week’s protests in Kiev, to Ukraine’s freeing of former president Yulia Tymoshenko, to Russian president Vladimir Putin’s invasion of the Crimean Peninsula in defiance of Western warnings, with neither group seeing eye-to-eye on any of the developments’ significance—or whether they even have any significance to begin with.

Additionally, nearly half the U.S. public has put forth numerous breathtakingly naive potential solutions to the crisis—which range from economic sanctions on Russia, to economic sanctions on Ukraine, to deploying the U.S. military to the “middle of Asia” to solve the standoff—while an equal number of Americans firmly and repeatedly stated their commitment to not giving a shit one way or the other.

Furthermore, sources are reporting that the deep ideological rift over the Russia-Ukraine conflict is visible in nearly every community and place of work across the country, with disinterested and misinformed Americans confirming they have repeatedly come into conflict in recent days.

“It’s incredibly frustrating to try to talk some sense into someone who doesn’t realize that Crimea’s very freedom as an independent nation is at stake,” said completely ignorant San Jose, CA resident Carol Goldmacher, who admitted that she has clashed constantly in the past week over Ukraine with her staunchly apathetic roommate Lisa Suarez. “Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. It’s almost as if she doesn’t even want to hear how Putin was kicked out of Ukraine by his own people and then retaliated by invading Crimea. Frankly, no matter how much I tell her that Obama’s this close to breaking his silence and issuing a warning to Russia, it’s just not getting through to her.”

“The bottom line is that Carol’s views aren’t going to affect my opinion,” said Suarez of her roommate’s constant uneducated opinions about John Kerry’s upcoming trip to Kiev and her bizarre personal assertion that the invasion happened “suspiciously close to the Olympics.” “My mind’s made up, and I completely stand by my lack of interest in this issue. So Carol should just keep her mouth shut and let this situation—whatever it is—play out.”

According to reports, most Americans see little chance of the warring camps coming to any sort of reconciliation any time soon, as supporters on both sides appeared committed in their respective efforts to either gravely misconstrue the complicated crisis in Ukraine or remain checked out of the issue entirely. Still, some experts are holding out hope that the two groups may be able to someday see eye-to-eye on the thorny issue of Ukrainian sovereignty and Russian aggression.

“As startling as these two factions’ differences may seem at first, there’s still opportunity for the two sides to come together and reach a compromise on the Ukraine conflict,” said Collins. “When it comes to the situation in Crimea, there’s a middle ground between ignorance and apathy on this issue that I think all Americans could happily live with.”

Richard Nixon: “That is no longer operative.” Current White House Guy: “Gimme a high five, baby.”

Hi readers.

Do you have difficulties keeping track of all that crap going on in the pestholes of the world?  I’m not talking about France here.  I’m talking about places where we’ve either invaded them and given them their freedom [Actually I suppose France meets that description, along with everyone else involved in WWII except Russia] eh.  Well, hell.

Let me start over.  I don’t understand what the hell is going on in the Ukraine, Turkey, Syria, Iraq, Russia, or even the Pacific Ocean downstream from Fukushima Northern Hemisphere Distributor of Deadly Radiation.  I don’t understand why they keep beating the trumpet claiming Ebola’s going to kill us all.  I don’t understand why people keep claiming they don’t understand that Israel’s gradually absorbing their neighboring country before the eyes of the world and killing off the residents there indiscriminately.

It’s consoling to me to figure the guy in the White House doesn’t understand any of that either.

Nothing new there.  Back when Ronald Reagan was dealing with Iran during the Jimmy Carter presidency, telling them he’d trade them weaponry if they’d hold onto the hostages until after the election, Reagan didn’t understand it all, either.  I doubt he ever understood he’d been whipsawed by a bunch of smartypantses, one in particular, wearing a Marine Lt. Colonel insignia and a pretty face.  I think Iran/Contra took him by surprise.

Yeah, Colonel John Wayne North helped weave that web.  Along with a number of familiar faces later on during the Bush Senior presidency, engineering Desert Storm.  Maybe Bush Senior understood it all.

But nobody has since then, among the distant observers, nor among the people who think they’re making it all happen.

Be consoled, readers.  Nobody even remembers the assassination of President Diem, the Gulf of Tonkin and how that blew up into the biggest US military debacle in US history.  Nobody even remembered it a couple of years into the war.

For that matter, nobody remembers the invasion of Panama, the Iran Hostages and the cute piece of horse trading Reagan lackeys used to keep those hostages in prison until after the election in exchange for weaponry.  Nobody even remembers the Bay of Pigs.  Or the devil-take-the-hindmost last minute graveyards voting in South Texas that won the election for John Kennedy.

So if you don’t understand what the hell we’re doing talking about military involvement in the vicinity of Russia and the Ukraine, don’t worry.  A year from now you won’t remember it anyway.  Same with Syria, Iran, everywhere else it’s more comfortable for the government if you forget.

You’ll remember North Korea.  Be consoled.  And you’ll remember that someone in Palestine shot the finger at an Israeli and caused them to have to carpet bomb some town or city full of unarmed civilians to get at suspected terrorists.

Be consoled though.  The guy in the White House won’t remember it, either.

Old Jules

Homeland Security: Just wait ’till you see the False Flag we’ve got for you 9/11/2014

Hi readers.  Thanks for coming by for a read.

Support the Troops

As I’ve made perfectly clear on this blog, I don’t trust this 21st Century US government and I don’t believe there’s a lowest common denominator the folks running it would stoop to.  Have probably already stooped to, to manipulate the minds of the citizenry, give themselves more power, and blame it on someone else.

Seems to me there’s enough going on today, and plenty of confusion for a setting, so’s the 9/11/2014 might be the next BIG DAY for them to roll out a new piece of theater.  I’m not saying it will happen, but I’m saying if it does, the possibility exists that having the day earmarked and frowning at it as it develops might lead to greater understanding after-the-fact.  Might seal off the emotions it’s contrived to create and allow clear thinking while examining it from the front.

Could be something with this silly Ebola thing they’ve been waving the bloody flag about seemingly trying to work up to something, but that doesn’t seem a likely candidate.  Too difficult to twist it around and blame it on the Arabs, or the Russians.  Or Iran, or North Korea.  Those have the best potential as boogiebears, but these folks are sneaky.  It could turn out to be something entirely unexpected.

But if someplace gets hit, say Japan, or the Golan Heights, or Paris, Edinwossname, Scotland [because of that Independence vote coming up] with a small thermonuclear device, say, hold in your mind the possibility it’s not as it seems.  That the Arabs, or the Russians, or the Persians, or whatever other usual suspect they point the finger at, aren’t the guilty parties.

Assuming this twitching at the back of my neck is correct and someone’s going to take advantage of the day to burn another one in your memories, it mightn’t be a nuke.  It might be something else calculated to have everyone running around in increasingly smaller circles giving up any constitutional rights standing in the way of destroying the alleged responsible parties.

And if it does transpire, probably we’ll all be doing precisely as we’re expected to do.  Those folks have studied us for a long time.  They know where to punch all the right buttons to make us salivate.

But they are doling out a few hints.  The Russian thing lately seems a good possibility, something about ISIS, North Korea is always good, maybe nuking Seoul or Tokyo.  And Israel’s been hoping for some really compelling means of getting us into a war with Iran for the LONGEST time.  And there’s ISIS.

Anyway, maybe keeping some distance, retaining some skepticism and analytical ability is the best any of us can hope for.

Or better yet, maybe it won’t happen.

Old Jules

 

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