Texas Ideaology: So Many Ideas, So Little Truck

And too few handicapped spaces

But otherwise

It’s mostly complete.

When Americans use bumper stickers to tell everything about themselves worth knowing they usually don’t need so much vehicle to do it.  Bumper stickers to describe the depth and breadth of their thought processes, their tastes in literature and philosophy, everything important about themselves don’t take up a lot of space:

“Pro- Choice“:  a telegraphic way to say, “I don’t have a fetus inside me, but if you are unlucky enough to have one I’m rabidly enthusiastic about your right to kill it and flush it down the toilet.”

Right to Life – translates:  I think abortion’s a bad choice and I’d like to kill, or imprison anyone who believes differently. Knitting needles in the bathtub were good enough for grandma and they’re good enough for you.” 

“Support the Right to Keep and Bear Arms”  Translates:  “I like guns a bit overmuch.  I’ve got them and, while I’m a patriot, probably a flag waver and mindless supporter of any unconstitutional war our prez gets us into, I don’t want them taking away muh guns.”

Ban (Firearms)(Handguns  Translates- “I am an idiot and don’t know it, but I want you to know it.” 

“Support Your Local Police  Translates:  “I’m either a cop, or I drive 75mph through school zones and figure anything might help.  Either way, don’t trust me.”

Save the Whales  Translates:  I’ve never seen a whale, but I’m hoping this bumper-sticker will help me meet people who have seen them.  Or meet females who haven’t seen whales, either, but who would like to talk about saving them over drinks and maybe have sex afterward.”

Proud to be an American  Translates: I’m glad I was lucky enough to be born in a country where everyone’s fat, has MasterCard, and can talk in English about what team won the game last night.  I’m most especially proud not to have been born somewhere full of non-English-speaking poor people who are hungry and get the bejesus bombed out of them all the time by us.”

GAY (Pride)(Marriage)(Rights)  Translates:  I want to tell you what me (the owner of the bumper-sticker  – not, ‘me’, Old Jules) and my friends do with our genitals.  I’m in your face about it because otherwise you mightn’t care.  I, the bumper-sticker-owner is saying, am a really shallow human being who doesn’t care what other people do with their sex organs, but believe everyone should care what I do with mine because there’s not much else about me anyone would be interested in.

Bumper-stickers are probably dying, however,  in favor of the less-literary, shorter-attention-span next-generation.  The brave new world has little magnetic ribbon icons made in China of all different colors.  Each color makes a pronouncement about what the car owner thinks will interest other Americans.  Yellow means support the war (as though a person could pay taxes but not support the troops and the war).  Etc etc etc.

I saw one recently,  a brown one of those ribbons turned upside-down so the ends stuck out like ears.  Support Bambi  was printed in the center decorated with two doe-eyes with long lashes..

“You can take my pit-bull when you pry my cold, dead fingers from his snout” must have had defective adhesive so’s to not stay on the bumper.  I’ve never seen one.

I forgot to mention my favorite bumper-sticker:

WHITEY WILL PAY”  Translates: There’s maybe more pigment in my skin than some people have. Or maybe not. But I blame all my flaws, inadequacies and shortcomings in my life on what hypothetical dead white males did to my long-dead ancestors. If it hadn’t been for that my life would be a paradise.”


Old Jules

10 responses to “Texas Ideaology: So Many Ideas, So Little Truck

  1. Hey Jules. Sometimes it bugs people, but we’ve always been “Pro-Choice”. It’s our thought that you can choose to keep it or give it up for adoption. Abortion, for religious reasons, is not a choice for us. Keep up the wonderful words. Grant

  2. As for the last sticker, I think you will like the poem I wrote back in 1964.(I was 14 yo)

    I want my promised freedom in a segregated world.
    I want my promised freedom because my hair is curled.

    Funny I remembered that.

  3. Over 25 years ago I saw one that has stuck with me all this time…
    Fuck The Whales – Save Plankton!

  4. I like the I Voted for Palin sticker.

  5. As people become too poor to drive cars, they’ll resort to broadcasting their views on Facebook/Twitter/blogs. 😉

  6. Marvin, Michael ultra, donationcan, old salt, and grantahelms: Thanks for coming by for the read and commenting.

    I don’t know what people ought to do about their unwanted fetuses, their guns, their pride in the accidents of their births, the targets of their blame for their inadequacies or their genitals. I just ain’t wise enough to know what other people ought to do about anything at all.

    Not since they took away the Burma Shave signs off the highways. Gracias, Jules

  7. Support Your Local Police is a pretty funny one. I bet 90% of the people with that sticker ARE police, which is really ironic. I know first hand that having more than 2 bumper stickers is a bad idea, though, because my dad had like 10 and his car looked like an ugly mess. Too much fuzz for me. If I get a sticker it’ll only be one and it’ll say NRA.

  8. The handicap sticker is really the feather in the cap of that truck. Certainly beats the truck I sometimes see in the parking lot at work with the phrase “Electrical Shock Override” emblazoned on its side.

  9. I’ve lost count of the times, over here in England, I’ve been cut up by a car that has a “Drive carefully – baby on board” sticker in the window.
    Great post Jules. Cheers, Alen McF

  10. Reblogged this on So Far From Heaven and commented:

    Kansans aren’t as big on bumper stickers as a means of broadcasting what they consider important about themselves to the world. They’re more prone to mount a couple of flags in the sideboard wells in some fantasy they’re the US Cavalry coming to do meanness to the Injuns or other enemies of Christianity and democracy. But although I haven’t been in Texas since 2013, I’m betting the guy who owned that truck and thousands of others of like mind still advertise by bumper-sticker ….. Old Jules

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