And too few handicapped spaces
But otherwise
It’s mostly complete.
When Americans use bumper stickers to tell everything about themselves worth knowing they usually don’t need so much vehicle to do it. Bumper stickers to describe the depth and breadth of their thought processes, their tastes in literature and philosophy, everything important about themselves don’t take up a lot of space:
“Pro- Choice“: a telegraphic way to say, “I don’t have a fetus inside me, but if you are unlucky enough to have one I’m rabidly enthusiastic about your right to kill it and flush it down the toilet.”
“Right to Life“ – translates: “I think abortion’s a bad choice and I’d like to kill, or imprison anyone who believes differently. Knitting needles in the bathtub were good enough for grandma and they’re good enough for you.”
“Support the Right to Keep and Bear Arms” Translates: “I like guns a bit overmuch. I’ve got them and, while I’m a patriot, probably a flag waver and mindless supporter of any unconstitutional war our prez gets us into, I don’t want them taking away muh guns.”
Ban (Firearms)(Handguns) Translates- “I am an idiot and don’t know it, but I want you to know it.”
“Support Your Local Police“ Translates: “I’m either a cop, or I drive 75mph through school zones and figure anything might help. Either way, don’t trust me.”
“Save the Whales“ Translates: “I’ve never seen a whale, but I’m hoping this bumper-sticker will help me meet people who have seen them. Or meet females who haven’t seen whales, either, but who would like to talk about saving them over drinks and maybe have sex afterward.”
“Proud to be an American“ Translates: “I’m glad I was lucky enough to be born in a country where everyone’s fat, has MasterCard, and can talk in English about what team won the game last night. I’m most especially proud not to have been born somewhere full of non-English-speaking poor people who are hungry and get the bejesus bombed out of them all the time by us.”
GAY (Pride)(Marriage)(Rights) Translates: “I want to tell you what me (the owner of the bumper-sticker – not, ‘me’, Old Jules) and my friends do with our genitals. I’m in your face about it because otherwise you mightn’t care. I, the bumper-sticker-owner is saying, am a really shallow human being who doesn’t care what other people do with their sex organs, but believe everyone should care what I do with mine because there’s not much else about me anyone would be interested in.“
Bumper-stickers are probably dying, however, in favor of the less-literary, shorter-attention-span next-generation. The brave new world has little magnetic ribbon icons made in China of all different colors. Each color makes a pronouncement about what the car owner thinks will interest other Americans. Yellow means support the war (as though a person could pay taxes but not support the troops and the war). Etc etc etc.
I saw one recently, a brown one of those ribbons turned upside-down so the ends stuck out like ears. “Support Bambi“ was printed in the center decorated with two doe-eyes with long lashes..
“You can take my pit-bull when you pry my cold, dead fingers from his snout” must have had defective adhesive so’s to not stay on the bumper. I’ve never seen one.
I forgot to mention my favorite bumper-sticker:
“WHITEY WILL PAY” Translates: “There’s maybe more pigment in my skin than some people have. Or maybe not. But I blame all my flaws, inadequacies and shortcomings in my life on what hypothetical dead white males did to my long-dead ancestors. If it hadn’t been for that my life would be a paradise.”
Old Jules
