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Good news on the medical front

FDA Approves First Artificial Tumor

WASHINGTON—Following years of research and testing, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration officially approved a groundbreaking artificial tumor Tuesday, marking the first time a synthetic malignant growth has been cleared for use in patients across the country. “There were obviously significant complications in devising a tumor substitute the human body would accept, but we now have an artificial neoplasm that serves the same physiological functions as an organic abnormal growth of tissue,” said Jeffrey Shuren of the FDA’s Center for Devices and Radiological Health, adding that the polymer-based lump can be safely implanted in patients regardless of age, health, or medical history during a minimally invasive and relatively quick two-hour surgical procedure. “This synthetic tumor is remarkably lightweight, malignant, and capable of naturally metastasizing throughout the body. It also has the benefit of being incredibly small—roughly the size of a dime—but once in the body, it will grow two to three times in size and will get to work immediately replicating itself.” Shuren added that while initial prototypes of the device had only enough battery power to last a few days, the approved version is capable of going for several years or more, or until its objective has been completed.

CIA thinking ahead to next pro-American coup or assassination

Report: Majority Of CIA Now Ready To Install Female World Leader

NewsWorldgovernmentworld leadersNewsISSUE 50•30Jul 29, 2014

In a marked generational shift, more than half of current CIA covert agents say they would engineer a bloody coup d’etat to install a female political puppet for the U.S. to manipulate. 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-majority-of-cia-now-ready-to-install-female,36570/

Members of the CIA, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told reporters that an increasing number of agents hired from a younger, more progressive generation are significantly more open to a woman leading one of the handful of nations the agency has deemed ready for a regime change. According to informal polling within the Clandestine Service division, the violent overthrow of a foreign leader in favor of a female dictator backed by the U.S. could occur as soon as within the next few years.

“Certainly, when I first started off in the agency, installing a woman as a country’s president in order to stave off the communist threat would have never even been considered,” said one veteran official, adding that the gender norms of the times suggested that a woman’s place was in the home and not at the forefront of a pro-Western paramilitary organization receiving arms, training, and millions of untraceable dollars from the CIA. “Had someone in 1964 suggested we conspire with the Brazilian army generals to replace President João Goulart with a woman, he would have been laughed out of the room. However, like many Americans, our views have evolved over time, and today, we’ve reached the point where a woman is definitely considered as a legitimate possibility during our black ops planning.”

“I would like to think that in the year 2014 we are forward-thinking enough to supplant foreign leaders with the best and most pliant person we can find, regardless of gender,” he added. “If this individual can follow our explicit agenda and successfully destabilize leftist movements, what does it matter if the person’s a man or a woman?”

When surveyed, the majority of intelligence community members stationed overseas said they would be willing to foment civil unrest within a country to elevate a woman to power, be it by orchestrating a wide-scale misinformation campaign or paying local gangs to spark protests and rallies in her name. While some said it might initially feel strange or uncomfortable seeing a woman condemn her predecessor to death for the first time, they argued they have a firm obligation to rig an election on the behalf of whoever is truly up to the task of brutally cracking down on political activists the U.S. views as threats to its interests.

Many officers told reporters they are surprised it has taken so long for the idea to gain acceptance, given that the agency propped up its first black president, the Democratic Republic of the Congo’s Joseph-Desiré Mobutu, back in 1960.

“Most agents nowadays recognize that there are countless women across the globe who are more than qualified to kowtow to every demand of the United States,” said one station chief, adding that he could name at least seven or eight different Venezuelan women he believes could be thrust into a power vacuum created by the U.S. and successfully declare themselves president for life. “Over time, we’ve seen a steady increase in the number of women around the world who are involved in the planning and execution of bribery schemes and assassination plots, and they are certainly well-represented within the leadership of the various radical student groups we control. However, it’s about time we actually see a woman elevated to the presidency after the U.S. strong-arms that country’s military leaders into supporting her.”

“They’re ready,” he continued. “And far more importantly, so are we.”

Despite reports that a significant percentage of the agency is now receptive to propping up its first female dictator, sources confirmed that many hardliners at CIA headquarters remain reluctant to endorse such an operation, citing their belief that women simply are not equipped to handle the physical and psychological demands of illegitimate rule, such as managing a secret police, regularly killing off rival political and business leaders, and developing a cult of personality. Others told reporters they fear that female political puppets may not command the level of respect from other foreign leaders necessary to provide the U.S. with a useful proxy in their respective region of the world.

“While there are still holdouts within the agency, it is my personal hope that one day, future CIA operatives will find it completely normal to choose a woman to, for example, denationalize a country’s titanium mines after paying a local death squad to assassinate the prime minister,” said one high-level official. “But that can only happen if we take the bold and admittedly difficult first step today of creating a constitutional crisis that results in the elevation of a female despot, whose brutal, iron-fisted rule will be subsequently overlooked.”

“I just want my children to know I was on the right side of history,” he added.

Doctors Say Average Heart Attack Victim Doesn’t Clutch At Chest Nearly Dramatically Enough

Hi readers.  When I saw this in The Onion I realized it was probably true because I’ve been guilty of it myself.  Old Jules

News With VideodoctorsScience & TechnologyhealthISSUE 50•29• Jul 24, 2014

DALLAS—According to the results of a study published Thursday by the American Heart Association, most heart attack victims do not freeze up and grab at their chests with sufficient measures of theatrics when suffering a cardiac arrest.

“After analyzing data from the past 30 years, we found that when someone experiences heart failure, the most common reaction is fairly mundane; there’s unfortunately no stumbling around the room or frantic straining to enunciate the words ‘having…heart…attack.’

Typically, the person merely winces and slumps over in place until paramedics arrive,” said AHA spokesman Dr. Phillip Trainor, who also noted with disappointment that it is extremely rare for victims seated at dinner tables or restaurants to gasp loudly before falling face-first into a plate of food.

“As few as one in 10 victims even rigidly extend one arm out in front of them, much less reach out for support and accidentally knock several books and framed photos from a shelf or mantle before falling to the ground themselves.” Trainor went on to compare heart attack sufferers to electrocution victims, stating that in most cases, such individuals do not levitate with their limbs fully splayed and their skeletons visible to onlookers for nearly long enough

God Pledges $5,000 For Cancer Research

News in BriefScience & TechnologyhealthcareNewsISSUE 50•28• Jul 17, 2014

THE HEAVENS—Expressing His hope that the contribution would assist efforts to find a cure for the devastating disease, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, confirmed Thursday that He had pledged $5,000 to the American Cancer Society to help fund ongoing research. “I have the means, so I can afford to give a little bit of money to support such an important cause,” said He Who Commanded Light to Shine Out of the Darkness, describing the contribution as “the very least [He] could do” in the fight against the disease that causes more than 8 million deaths annually. “Now, obviously a $5,000 donation isn’t going to just make the cure appear by itself. Clearly, there’s no magic bullet for this thing. But every little bit helps. And knowing I might be making a small difference in the life of some kid with leukemia or mom with breast cancer just makes me feel like I did my part.” The Divine Creator of Life, Heaven, and Earth told reporters that if the timing works out, He also plans to participate in a 10K benefit run for Hodgkin lymphoma this fall.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-pledges-5000-for-cancer-research,36486/

Humanity Surprised It Still Hasn’t Figured Out Better Alternative To Letting Power-Hungry Assholes Decide Everything

http://www.theonion.com/articles/humanity-surprised-it-still-hasnt-figured-out-bett,36361/

The Onion

Humanity Surprised It Still Hasn’t Figured Out Better Alternative To Letting Power-Hungry Assholes Decide Everything

News • world leaders • News • ISSUE 50•25 • Jun 25, 2014

 Billions worldwide agreed that, by this point in human civilization, they would have expected a better process than entrusting all their political, commercial, and social decisions to vindictive, self-absorbed fuckers.

NEW YORK—Noting that it has had thousands of years to develop a more agreeable option, humankind expressed bewilderment this week that it has yet to devise a better alternative to governing itself than always letting power-hungry assholes run everything, sources worldwide reported.

Individuals in every country on earth voiced their frustration that, in spite of generations of mistreatment, neglect, and abuse they have suffered at the hands of those in positions of authority, they continue to allow control over the world’s governments, businesses, and virtually every other type of organization and social group to fall to the most megalomaniacal pricks among them.

“We’ve all seen what this system leads to, so you’d think that by now, someone, somewhere would have sat down and thought up another way to keep our societies functioning without giving all the power to arrogant, amoral dicks whose only concern is improving their own status,” said Mumbai software designer Ankan Rao, one of 7.1 billion humans who conveyed continued surprise that their species has so far proven incapable of formulating a method of governance that was even slightly more tolerable. “Everybody dislikes the people in charge and everybody knows they’re only serving their own personal agendas at the expense of everyone else, but we just keep allowing these jerks to make our decisions time and time again. And it’s not just here—it’s everywhere in the world.”

“Boy, maybe we shouldn’t do that anymore,” Rao added. “Anyone have any better ideas?”

Speaking with reporters, citizens across the planet unanimously expressed their bafflement at the consistency with which they either formally or informally select corrupt and self-obsessed sacks of shit for leadership roles in all facets of life, including positions atop corporate boards, judicial and legislative bodies, religious institutions, parent-teacher associations, the military, intramural softball teams, and international and national professional associations, as well as groups of friends deciding where to eat.

In addition, sources offered countless examples of the counterproductive and perplexing practice of entrusting power to the world’s least scrupulous individuals, ranging in scale from a domineering dictator who plunges his country into civil war in order to consolidate his power, to a Foot Locker shift manager who forces his subordinates to close up without him so that he can go home early.

Moreover, everyone across the planet acknowledged that the tradition of allowing an exploitative asshole to take charge of a given situation has been the principal system for group decision-making from the earliest formation of tribal societies to the present day, an admission that caused each member of the human race to either emit an exasperated sigh, shake his or her head, or mutter a profanity.

“My old boss, my sorority president, my congressional representative, my current boss—they’ve all been soulless, backstabbing dickheads whose only concern is getting what they want,” said administrative assistant Sheryl Gittens of Forth Worth, TX, who went on to list the bully back in her seventh grade class, her homeowners association president, and the coordinator of her Bible study group among the legions of selfish jagoffs who have inexplicably been granted commanding roles by the acquiescent masses. “What’s even more annoying is that we essentially reward these people for only thinking of themselves and repeatedly screwing us over. If you stop and think about it, that’s pretty messed up.”

“Jesus,” she continued. “What the hell’s wrong with us?”

Given the prevalence throughout history of compassionless, two-faced leaders whose lust for control and inflated self-importance have led to disastrous results for society at large, many individuals questioned if, going forward, they should instead try giving power to someone other than a greedy, self-serving bastard.

“Maybe we should try letting a kind, responsible person run things for a change,” Cairo resident Nathifa Bakhoum told reporters. “I, for one, don’t want to be told what to do by another narcissist who’s drunk on power and who has absolutely no regard for my well-being. It’s just a thought, but perhaps we could go with a good, decent human next time, or at least someone who’s not a completely egotistical pile of dogshit. That seems like a good thing to try at least once, right? Could we even do that? It’s probably worth a shot.”

When pressed for further comment, however, every member of humanity agreed that the current system, though deeply flawed, remains far better than one in which they actually have to make decisions for themselves.

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