Tag Archives: the onion

The Onion: Ukrainian-Russian Tensions Dividing U.S. Citizens Along Ignorant, Apathetic Lines

NewsPoliticsWorldpoliticiansISSUE 50•09Mar 3, 2014

“The very real threat of a Russia-Ukraine war has completely polarized the general public, pitting two deeply entrenched blocs against one another: those who have absolutely no clue what they’re talking about and those who couldn’t care less,” said Pew spokesman Andrew Collins, noting that the ouster of Ukraine’s president Viktor Yanukovych and Russia’s subsequent occupation of Crimea has inflamed tensions between the two sides to a level unseen since the height of the war in Syria. “This is not a distinctly regional or socioeconomic split, either. We’re seeing local workplaces, friends, even families ripped in two by their desire to either ignore the whole thing completely or spout an inane, half-witted opinion on it like they’re some geopolitical expert.”

“And as the situation develops and Western powers become more involved, these divisions will only appear more stark,” he added. “In the coming weeks, we can expect to hear a growing cacophony of uninformed and harebrained calls for action or restraint from one side, and absolutely nothing at all from the other.”

Results of the poll found that the two sides are at odds on nearly every facet of the crisis, from last week’s protests in Kiev, to Ukraine’s freeing of former president Yulia Tymoshenko, to Russian president Vladimir Putin’s invasion of the Crimean Peninsula in defiance of Western warnings, with neither group seeing eye-to-eye on any of the developments’ significance—or whether they even have any significance to begin with.

Additionally, nearly half the U.S. public has put forth numerous breathtakingly naive potential solutions to the crisis—which range from economic sanctions on Russia, to economic sanctions on Ukraine, to deploying the U.S. military to the “middle of Asia” to solve the standoff—while an equal number of Americans firmly and repeatedly stated their commitment to not giving a shit one way or the other.

Furthermore, sources are reporting that the deep ideological rift over the Russia-Ukraine conflict is visible in nearly every community and place of work across the country, with disinterested and misinformed Americans confirming they have repeatedly come into conflict in recent days.

“It’s incredibly frustrating to try to talk some sense into someone who doesn’t realize that Crimea’s very freedom as an independent nation is at stake,” said completely ignorant San Jose, CA resident Carol Goldmacher, who admitted that she has clashed constantly in the past week over Ukraine with her staunchly apathetic roommate Lisa Suarez. “Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. It’s almost as if she doesn’t even want to hear how Putin was kicked out of Ukraine by his own people and then retaliated by invading Crimea. Frankly, no matter how much I tell her that Obama’s this close to breaking his silence and issuing a warning to Russia, it’s just not getting through to her.”

“The bottom line is that Carol’s views aren’t going to affect my opinion,” said Suarez of her roommate’s constant uneducated opinions about John Kerry’s upcoming trip to Kiev and her bizarre personal assertion that the invasion happened “suspiciously close to the Olympics.” “My mind’s made up, and I completely stand by my lack of interest in this issue. So Carol should just keep her mouth shut and let this situation—whatever it is—play out.”

According to reports, most Americans see little chance of the warring camps coming to any sort of reconciliation any time soon, as supporters on both sides appeared committed in their respective efforts to either gravely misconstrue the complicated crisis in Ukraine or remain checked out of the issue entirely. Still, some experts are holding out hope that the two groups may be able to someday see eye-to-eye on the thorny issue of Ukrainian sovereignty and Russian aggression.

“As startling as these two factions’ differences may seem at first, there’s still opportunity for the two sides to come together and reach a compromise on the Ukraine conflict,” said Collins. “When it comes to the situation in Crimea, there’s a middle ground between ignorance and apathy on this issue that I think all Americans could happily live with.”

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Elderly Lobbyist Always Droning On About How Little Legislation Cost In His Day

 The Onion – NewsPoliticspoliticiansISSUE 50•34Aug 27, 2014

Foraker once again tells colleagues the same story about how he only needed $5,000 and some moxie to manipulate a Senate vote on automobile fuel economy standards back in 1979.

WASHINGTON—Citing his habit of haranguing younger colleagues about the way things used to be, sources confirmed Wednesday that 74-year-old veteran ExxonMobil lobbyist Hank Foraker is constantly droning on about how much cheaper legislation was back in his day.

The longtime Washington power broker is said to rarely miss an opportunity to hold forth on “the good old days” of the 1970s and ’80s, often repeating the same long, rambling stories about a time when lobbyists and their clients reportedly received a lot more political influence for their dollar than they do today.

“Let me tell you, back when I was a young man, you could get a half dozen bills pushed straight through both houses for what a single congressman’s vote will run you nowadays,” said Foraker, who remarked that 30 years ago, acquiring an exemption from the Clean Water Act cost a tiny fraction of what it does today. “And you’d still have plenty left over to purchase the loyalty of a Cabinet member or a handful of senior White House advisers, too. You don’t even want to know how little it took to buy off a governor back then. You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“It was just a simpler time,” Foraker added. “A quick phone call, a small payoff, and in no time at all, your client could be extracting oil from a federal wildlife preserve. Those were the days.”

According to sources, Foraker often grows wistful for a past in which an eager young lobbyist on a shoestring budget could secure basic legislative carve-outs and tax loopholes for the industry he represented. He noted that a person equipped with the same resources today “wouldn’t even be able to get a simple poison-pill amendment passed.”

Several coworkers stated that on multiple occasions, Foraker has lectured them at length on how there was once a time when it was unheard of for Big Oil interests to pay $500,000 for a House Energy Committee chairman’s cooperation over a two-year term. Additionally, they said he often grows irritated when lobbyists in their 20s and 30s complain about campaign finance restrictions, insisting that at their age, he’d had to surreptitiously pay lawmakers in person to ensure passage of the Trans-Alaska Pipeline Authorization Act of 1973.

“These guys have it so much easier today,” said Foraker, explaining how modern oil industry lobbyists can, with the click of a button, electronically funnel millions of dollars to a super PAC running television ads in support of the Keystone Pipeline. “In the ’80s, you’d take a lawmaker out to a nice steakhouse, look him in the eye, hand over a briefcase with $10,000 in cash toward a reelection campaign, and promise him a highly paid position on your company’s board of directors if he worked to repeal the crude oil windfall profit tax. And in those days, a handshake and your word actually meant something.”

“Now, you’re lucky if organizing a $5,000-a-plate campaign fundraiser gets you 20 minutes alone with a ranking senator on an energy subcommittee to discuss ways to weaken nationwide renewable fuel standards,” Foraker added. “It’s just not as personal as it used to be.”

Many fellow lobbyists conceded to reporters that while Foraker’s tendency to nostalgically reminisce can be endearing at first, it quickly becomes tiresome listening to him talk endlessly about how expensive it has become to hire former high-level officials from the Department of Energy and use their bureaucratic connections to obstruct new offshore oil rig safety regulations.

“Hank’s a nice guy, but I don’t really need to hear about how the amount we recently paid to get the ban lifted on deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico would have been enough to gut 10 anti-pollution bills back in the ’70s,” said Nick Tennelly, a 28-year-old government relations associate at ExxonMobil. “And I think he exaggerates a lot. He once stopped me in the hallway to tell me about this time when, for just a few million dollars, they got the vice president of the United States to convene a secret task force to block green energy initiatives. C’mon. I know things were cheaper in the past, but I have a tough time believing they were that cheap.”

“To be honest, I don’t even see what the big deal is,” Tennelly added. “Even if the industry’s now spending a couple hundred million dollars on lobbying every year, it’s still a drop in the bucket compared to our annual tax breaks.”

World’s Power Brokers Hold Annual Summit Where They Show Each Other Their Penises

International titans of industry, media, and politics examine one another’s genitals.

The Onion NewsPoliticsISSUE 46•46Nov 17, 2010

http://www.theonion.com/articles/worlds-power-brokers-hold-annual-summit-where-they,18474/

ST. MORITZ, SWITZERLAND—One hundred fifty of the world’s most powerful people in the fields of politics, banking, business, and media met this past weekend at an exclusive Swiss resort for the 54th annual invitation-only summit where they show each other their penises.

This year’s meeting was chaired by a committee that included Rupert Murdoch, former U.S. national security adviser Brent Scowcroft, oil heir David H. Koch, and Japanese finance minister Yoshihiko Noda, all of whom presided over the traditional penis-showing ceremony that has for decades been a banner event for the most influential international power brokers.The resort where the conference was held.

“I always look forward to this crucial and productive gathering,” said industrialist and banker Jacob Wallenberg of the Swedish Wallenbergs, a prominent European family that has wielded significant clout in global financial and political affairs for more than two centuries. “To see the penises of so many like-minded, forward-thinking men and to show them my own penis—this is what keeps the global wheels of industry and ingenuity turning.”

“After all, these are inarguably the most important penises of our time,” Wallenberg added before unzipping his tuxedo pants and heading back into a scrum of other immensely powerful and wealthy men already gazing contemplatively at one another’s exposed genitalia.

As it does every year, the ceremony followed a strict a system of seniority wherein members first reveal their sex organs to the seated committee and assembled invitees before the floor is opened up for general penis exposition. The honor of the showing of the first penis this year was given to billionaire real estate mogul Leonard Litwin, 95, the oldest member in attendance.

The penis of Pope Benedict XVI.

The annual penis-showing summit has a rich history, having first been held in 1957 at a Lake Tahoe chateau owned by American banker David Rockefeller, Sr. of the hugely influential six-generation Rockefeller oil dynasty. According to Rockefeller, the gathering was born of the simple idea that “the people who hold the most sway over the direction of world affairs ought naturally to have some sense of what each other’s penises look like.”

Since that time, power brokers from every continent—including people from backgrounds as widely varied as Hollywood film producer Robert Evans and the late Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein—have attended the summit to see other great men’s penises and to put their own penises on display.

“As the most junior invitee, when I had to stand in the middle of the ballroom and rotate slowly to show everyone my exposed penis after everyone else had showed theirs, there was a palpable sense of the history of all the great men’s penises that have been presented here over the years,” 26-year-old billionaire Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said. “And of course, to have my penis seen by luminaries such as [Russian prime minister] Vladimir Putin and [Saudi] King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz al-Saud is just such an honor.”

“It really makes you feel like you’re having a major impact on the world,” added Zuckerberg, the tip of his penis just peeking out from beneath a crisply starched white dress shirt.

Commenting on the tradition they hold in solemn regard, many in attendance said they view the summit primarily as a meeting of great minds, and then the showing to each other of the penises of the men who possess those great minds.

“It’s hard to believe that it’s been a whole year since I last saw Warren Buffett’s penis,” Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke said while treating his own penis with a high-quality tea tree oil moisturizer to protect it from chapping in the dry mountain air. “The insight I’ve gained from looking at that man’s penis is immeasurable. It’s just one hell of a penis.”

This year’s event was marred briefly when resort security reportedly had to chase Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos and presumptive Speaker of the House John Boehner away from an open window where they were desperately trying to catch a glimpse of the influential penises. However, the unpleasantness was quickly forgotten when, to the awe and delight of all present, billionaire media juggernaut Oprah Winfrey arrived to make the rounds.

Arizona Heatwave Forces Temporary Suspension Of Racial Profiling

The Onion

http://www.theonion.com/video/onion-weather-center-arizona-heatwave-forces-tempo,29247/

Israel Calls For Increase In U.S. Taxes To Fund Attacks On Gaza

The Onion, News in PhotosNewsISSUE 48•46Nov 16, 2012  

  Israel Calls For Increase In U.S. Taxes To Fund Attacks On Gaza

http://www.theonion.com/articles/israel-calls-for-increase-in-us-taxes-to-fund-atta,30423/

 

School Bully Not So Tough Since Being Molested

The Onion News in PhotosBack To SchoolISSUE 38•07• Feb 27, 2002
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http://www.theonion.com/articles/school-bully-not-so-tough-since-being-molested,8848/

The Onion Survey: Americans Watching Better Sex Than Ever

NewsUnsponsoredISSUE 50•31Aug 7, 2014

Many Americans say they frequently spend all night watching amazing sex.

LOS ANGELES—Reflecting a significant shift in societal attitudes and behaviors, a survey completed this week by researchers at the University of Southern California revealed that American adults are watching far better sex than ever before.

The initial findings, which sociologists gathered from thousands of telephone and in-person interviews as well as field observations, confirmed that the sex that U.S. citizens now see on screen is considerably more adventurous, passionate, and satisfying than any they have previously experienced.

“Based on our data, the American people are now regularly viewing the highest quality sex of their lives, which is characterized by stronger connections with those on screen and longer, more fulfilling climaxes,” said lead researcher Patricia Oberlin, adding that the vast majority of those surveyed claimed they have watched “mind-blowing” or “earth-shattering” sex within the past five days. “Every demographic that we queried—individuals and couples, young and old, males and females, gay and straight—they’re all engaging in rich and rewarding sex-watching lives, with many respondents reporting that they never imagined they would ever see such thrilling sex.”

“We found that Americans now routinely take part in watching wild, energetic sexual intercourse, which often lasts for greater lengths of time,” Oberlin continued. “And the frequency of sex viewing in the U.S. has increased as well, with many people saying they watch sex every day of the week and occasionally two times per night. All in all, Americans’ sex-viewing lives are incredibly active.”

Sociologists attributed the improved quality of copulation that Americans are watching to an increased level of attention paid to their particular desires during sex-viewing. This heightened level of comfort and empowerment while watching sex, according to researchers, has allowed the general public to shed their inhibitions and view a wider variety of erotic acts, with many Americans reportedly experimenting with different or unfamiliar positions, toys, age groups, and ethnic and racial backgrounds to keep their viewing lives fresh and interesting.

“Earlier in their lives, people might have only been exposed to an old-fashioned sexual viewing experience where the sex was fairly routine and the emphasis was entirely on pleasuring the male, but our data shows that this isn’t always the case anymore,” Oberlin said. “In fact, we found that a large number of Americans even prefer to watch sex that focuses solely on female pleasure and doesn’t involve men at all.”

Researchers confirmed that since the last time the survey was conducted, in 1989, there has been a large increase in watching forms of sex that were previously considered taboo, citing examples such as oral sex performed to the point of asphyxiation, fisting, and erotic lactation.

While the study determined that vaginal intercourse is still by far the most commonly viewed sexual act in the U.S., more Americans, including a large percentage of women, indicated they are now open to watching fellatio, cunnilingus, anal penetration, and dominance and submission.

“I used to only watch the missionary position, which was kind of boring, but now, I’ve been getting into watching sensual massages and role-playing stuff with cheerleader costumes,” said Patrick Sanders, 38, a Phoenix-area husband and father of two. “The truth is I used to have a lot of hang-ups and I couldn’t even fathom watching a threesome with two men and one woman. In fact, the thought of seeing another guy’s penis during sex-viewing was just gross. But it turns out I was missing out on watching some really hot sex.”

“At this point, I’m completely fine seeing someone ejaculate on pretty much any body part—in fact, that’s something I discovered I actually enjoy viewing,” added Sanders. “I’m even thinking of exploring watching bondage. That’s something I never could have viewed years ago.”

Researchers also found that Americans are spicing up their sex-watching lives by viewing intercourse in different settings such as bedrooms, kitchens, bathrooms, offices, classrooms, parks, college dorms, public spaces, and even moving vehicles.

In addition, many of those surveyed said they are watching sex more spontaneously or viewing it at unusual times of day, which they said increased their arousal.

“Sometimes, I’ll watch sex first thing in the morning before I roll out of bed and get ready for work, and it’s fantastic,” said Mitch Watson, adding that he has never felt more alive. “I thought I was watching pretty good sex in my 20s, but this is a whole new level. I know what I want to watch now, and it’s a little more unrestrained and kinky.”

“Last week, my wife and I booked a hotel for a couple nights and spent the entire time in the room,” continued Watson. “We just ordered room service and watched great sex all weekend.”

http://www.theonion.com/articles/survey-americans-watching-better-sex-than-ever,36640/?recirc=unsponsored&utm_source=The+Onion&utm_campaign=3b3b67c7b3-The_Onion_Newsletter_Daily_Template&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_6a8b5ad20e-3b3b67c7b3-16729065

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