Tag Archives: the onion

The Onion: Ukrainian-Russian Tensions Dividing U.S. Citizens Along Ignorant, Apathetic Lines

NewsPoliticsWorldpoliticiansISSUE 50•09Mar 3, 2014

“The very real threat of a Russia-Ukraine war has completely polarized the general public, pitting two deeply entrenched blocs against one another: those who have absolutely no clue what they’re talking about and those who couldn’t care less,” said Pew spokesman Andrew Collins, noting that the ouster of Ukraine’s president Viktor Yanukovych and Russia’s subsequent occupation of Crimea has inflamed tensions between the two sides to a level unseen since the height of the war in Syria. “This is not a distinctly regional or socioeconomic split, either. We’re seeing local workplaces, friends, even families ripped in two by their desire to either ignore the whole thing completely or spout an inane, half-witted opinion on it like they’re some geopolitical expert.”

“And as the situation develops and Western powers become more involved, these divisions will only appear more stark,” he added. “In the coming weeks, we can expect to hear a growing cacophony of uninformed and harebrained calls for action or restraint from one side, and absolutely nothing at all from the other.”

Results of the poll found that the two sides are at odds on nearly every facet of the crisis, from last week’s protests in Kiev, to Ukraine’s freeing of former president Yulia Tymoshenko, to Russian president Vladimir Putin’s invasion of the Crimean Peninsula in defiance of Western warnings, with neither group seeing eye-to-eye on any of the developments’ significance—or whether they even have any significance to begin with.

Additionally, nearly half the U.S. public has put forth numerous breathtakingly naive potential solutions to the crisis—which range from economic sanctions on Russia, to economic sanctions on Ukraine, to deploying the U.S. military to the “middle of Asia” to solve the standoff—while an equal number of Americans firmly and repeatedly stated their commitment to not giving a shit one way or the other.

Furthermore, sources are reporting that the deep ideological rift over the Russia-Ukraine conflict is visible in nearly every community and place of work across the country, with disinterested and misinformed Americans confirming they have repeatedly come into conflict in recent days.

“It’s incredibly frustrating to try to talk some sense into someone who doesn’t realize that Crimea’s very freedom as an independent nation is at stake,” said completely ignorant San Jose, CA resident Carol Goldmacher, who admitted that she has clashed constantly in the past week over Ukraine with her staunchly apathetic roommate Lisa Suarez. “Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. It’s almost as if she doesn’t even want to hear how Putin was kicked out of Ukraine by his own people and then retaliated by invading Crimea. Frankly, no matter how much I tell her that Obama’s this close to breaking his silence and issuing a warning to Russia, it’s just not getting through to her.”

“The bottom line is that Carol’s views aren’t going to affect my opinion,” said Suarez of her roommate’s constant uneducated opinions about John Kerry’s upcoming trip to Kiev and her bizarre personal assertion that the invasion happened “suspiciously close to the Olympics.” “My mind’s made up, and I completely stand by my lack of interest in this issue. So Carol should just keep her mouth shut and let this situation—whatever it is—play out.”

According to reports, most Americans see little chance of the warring camps coming to any sort of reconciliation any time soon, as supporters on both sides appeared committed in their respective efforts to either gravely misconstrue the complicated crisis in Ukraine or remain checked out of the issue entirely. Still, some experts are holding out hope that the two groups may be able to someday see eye-to-eye on the thorny issue of Ukrainian sovereignty and Russian aggression.

“As startling as these two factions’ differences may seem at first, there’s still opportunity for the two sides to come together and reach a compromise on the Ukraine conflict,” said Collins. “When it comes to the situation in Crimea, there’s a middle ground between ignorance and apathy on this issue that I think all Americans could happily live with.”

Elderly Lobbyist Always Droning On About How Little Legislation Cost In His Day

 The Onion – NewsPoliticspoliticiansISSUE 50•34Aug 27, 2014

Foraker once again tells colleagues the same story about how he only needed $5,000 and some moxie to manipulate a Senate vote on automobile fuel economy standards back in 1979.

WASHINGTON—Citing his habit of haranguing younger colleagues about the way things used to be, sources confirmed Wednesday that 74-year-old veteran ExxonMobil lobbyist Hank Foraker is constantly droning on about how much cheaper legislation was back in his day.

The longtime Washington power broker is said to rarely miss an opportunity to hold forth on “the good old days” of the 1970s and ’80s, often repeating the same long, rambling stories about a time when lobbyists and their clients reportedly received a lot more political influence for their dollar than they do today.

“Let me tell you, back when I was a young man, you could get a half dozen bills pushed straight through both houses for what a single congressman’s vote will run you nowadays,” said Foraker, who remarked that 30 years ago, acquiring an exemption from the Clean Water Act cost a tiny fraction of what it does today. “And you’d still have plenty left over to purchase the loyalty of a Cabinet member or a handful of senior White House advisers, too. You don’t even want to know how little it took to buy off a governor back then. You probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“It was just a simpler time,” Foraker added. “A quick phone call, a small payoff, and in no time at all, your client could be extracting oil from a federal wildlife preserve. Those were the days.”

According to sources, Foraker often grows wistful for a past in which an eager young lobbyist on a shoestring budget could secure basic legislative carve-outs and tax loopholes for the industry he represented. He noted that a person equipped with the same resources today “wouldn’t even be able to get a simple poison-pill amendment passed.”

Several coworkers stated that on multiple occasions, Foraker has lectured them at length on how there was once a time when it was unheard of for Big Oil interests to pay $500,000 for a House Energy Committee chairman’s cooperation over a two-year term. Additionally, they said he often grows irritated when lobbyists in their 20s and 30s complain about campaign finance restrictions, insisting that at their age, he’d had to surreptitiously pay lawmakers in person to ensure passage of the Trans-Alaska Pipeline Authorization Act of 1973.

“These guys have it so much easier today,” said Foraker, explaining how modern oil industry lobbyists can, with the click of a button, electronically funnel millions of dollars to a super PAC running television ads in support of the Keystone Pipeline. “In the ’80s, you’d take a lawmaker out to a nice steakhouse, look him in the eye, hand over a briefcase with $10,000 in cash toward a reelection campaign, and promise him a highly paid position on your company’s board of directors if he worked to repeal the crude oil windfall profit tax. And in those days, a handshake and your word actually meant something.”

“Now, you’re lucky if organizing a $5,000-a-plate campaign fundraiser gets you 20 minutes alone with a ranking senator on an energy subcommittee to discuss ways to weaken nationwide renewable fuel standards,” Foraker added. “It’s just not as personal as it used to be.”

Many fellow lobbyists conceded to reporters that while Foraker’s tendency to nostalgically reminisce can be endearing at first, it quickly becomes tiresome listening to him talk endlessly about how expensive it has become to hire former high-level officials from the Department of Energy and use their bureaucratic connections to obstruct new offshore oil rig safety regulations.

“Hank’s a nice guy, but I don’t really need to hear about how the amount we recently paid to get the ban lifted on deepwater drilling in the Gulf of Mexico would have been enough to gut 10 anti-pollution bills back in the ’70s,” said Nick Tennelly, a 28-year-old government relations associate at ExxonMobil. “And I think he exaggerates a lot. He once stopped me in the hallway to tell me about this time when, for just a few million dollars, they got the vice president of the United States to convene a secret task force to block green energy initiatives. C’mon. I know things were cheaper in the past, but I have a tough time believing they were that cheap.”

“To be honest, I don’t even see what the big deal is,” Tennelly added. “Even if the industry’s now spending a couple hundred million dollars on lobbying every year, it’s still a drop in the bucket compared to our annual tax breaks.”

World’s Power Brokers Hold Annual Summit Where They Show Each Other Their Penises

International titans of industry, media, and politics examine one another’s genitals.

The Onion NewsPoliticsISSUE 46•46Nov 17, 2010

http://www.theonion.com/articles/worlds-power-brokers-hold-annual-summit-where-they,18474/

ST. MORITZ, SWITZERLAND—One hundred fifty of the world’s most powerful people in the fields of politics, banking, business, and media met this past weekend at an exclusive Swiss resort for the 54th annual invitation-only summit where they show each other their penises.

This year’s meeting was chaired by a committee that included Rupert Murdoch, former U.S. national security adviser Brent Scowcroft, oil heir David H. Koch, and Japanese finance minister Yoshihiko Noda, all of whom presided over the traditional penis-showing ceremony that has for decades been a banner event for the most influential international power brokers.The resort where the conference was held.

“I always look forward to this crucial and productive gathering,” said industrialist and banker Jacob Wallenberg of the Swedish Wallenbergs, a prominent European family that has wielded significant clout in global financial and political affairs for more than two centuries. “To see the penises of so many like-minded, forward-thinking men and to show them my own penis—this is what keeps the global wheels of industry and ingenuity turning.”

“After all, these are inarguably the most important penises of our time,” Wallenberg added before unzipping his tuxedo pants and heading back into a scrum of other immensely powerful and wealthy men already gazing contemplatively at one another’s exposed genitalia.

As it does every year, the ceremony followed a strict a system of seniority wherein members first reveal their sex organs to the seated committee and assembled invitees before the floor is opened up for general penis exposition. The honor of the showing of the first penis this year was given to billionaire real estate mogul Leonard Litwin, 95, the oldest member in attendance.

The penis of Pope Benedict XVI.

The annual penis-showing summit has a rich history, having first been held in 1957 at a Lake Tahoe chateau owned by American banker David Rockefeller, Sr. of the hugely influential six-generation Rockefeller oil dynasty. According to Rockefeller, the gathering was born of the simple idea that “the people who hold the most sway over the direction of world affairs ought naturally to have some sense of what each other’s penises look like.”

Since that time, power brokers from every continent—including people from backgrounds as widely varied as Hollywood film producer Robert Evans and the late Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein—have attended the summit to see other great men’s penises and to put their own penises on display.

“As the most junior invitee, when I had to stand in the middle of the ballroom and rotate slowly to show everyone my exposed penis after everyone else had showed theirs, there was a palpable sense of the history of all the great men’s penises that have been presented here over the years,” 26-year-old billionaire Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg said. “And of course, to have my penis seen by luminaries such as [Russian prime minister] Vladimir Putin and [Saudi] King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz al-Saud is just such an honor.”

“It really makes you feel like you’re having a major impact on the world,” added Zuckerberg, the tip of his penis just peeking out from beneath a crisply starched white dress shirt.

Commenting on the tradition they hold in solemn regard, many in attendance said they view the summit primarily as a meeting of great minds, and then the showing to each other of the penises of the men who possess those great minds.

“It’s hard to believe that it’s been a whole year since I last saw Warren Buffett’s penis,” Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke said while treating his own penis with a high-quality tea tree oil moisturizer to protect it from chapping in the dry mountain air. “The insight I’ve gained from looking at that man’s penis is immeasurable. It’s just one hell of a penis.”

This year’s event was marred briefly when resort security reportedly had to chase Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos and presumptive Speaker of the House John Boehner away from an open window where they were desperately trying to catch a glimpse of the influential penises. However, the unpleasantness was quickly forgotten when, to the awe and delight of all present, billionaire media juggernaut Oprah Winfrey arrived to make the rounds.

Arizona Heatwave Forces Temporary Suspension Of Racial Profiling

The Onion

http://www.theonion.com/video/onion-weather-center-arizona-heatwave-forces-tempo,29247/

Israel Calls For Increase In U.S. Taxes To Fund Attacks On Gaza

The Onion, News in PhotosNewsISSUE 48•46Nov 16, 2012  

  Israel Calls For Increase In U.S. Taxes To Fund Attacks On Gaza

http://www.theonion.com/articles/israel-calls-for-increase-in-us-taxes-to-fund-atta,30423/

 

School Bully Not So Tough Since Being Molested

The Onion News in PhotosBack To SchoolISSUE 38•07• Feb 27, 2002
700.jpg?3540

http://www.theonion.com/articles/school-bully-not-so-tough-since-being-molested,8848/

The Onion Survey: Americans Watching Better Sex Than Ever

NewsUnsponsoredISSUE 50•31Aug 7, 2014

Many Americans say they frequently spend all night watching amazing sex.

LOS ANGELES—Reflecting a significant shift in societal attitudes and behaviors, a survey completed this week by researchers at the University of Southern California revealed that American adults are watching far better sex than ever before.

The initial findings, which sociologists gathered from thousands of telephone and in-person interviews as well as field observations, confirmed that the sex that U.S. citizens now see on screen is considerably more adventurous, passionate, and satisfying than any they have previously experienced.

“Based on our data, the American people are now regularly viewing the highest quality sex of their lives, which is characterized by stronger connections with those on screen and longer, more fulfilling climaxes,” said lead researcher Patricia Oberlin, adding that the vast majority of those surveyed claimed they have watched “mind-blowing” or “earth-shattering” sex within the past five days. “Every demographic that we queried—individuals and couples, young and old, males and females, gay and straight—they’re all engaging in rich and rewarding sex-watching lives, with many respondents reporting that they never imagined they would ever see such thrilling sex.”

“We found that Americans now routinely take part in watching wild, energetic sexual intercourse, which often lasts for greater lengths of time,” Oberlin continued. “And the frequency of sex viewing in the U.S. has increased as well, with many people saying they watch sex every day of the week and occasionally two times per night. All in all, Americans’ sex-viewing lives are incredibly active.”

Sociologists attributed the improved quality of copulation that Americans are watching to an increased level of attention paid to their particular desires during sex-viewing. This heightened level of comfort and empowerment while watching sex, according to researchers, has allowed the general public to shed their inhibitions and view a wider variety of erotic acts, with many Americans reportedly experimenting with different or unfamiliar positions, toys, age groups, and ethnic and racial backgrounds to keep their viewing lives fresh and interesting.

“Earlier in their lives, people might have only been exposed to an old-fashioned sexual viewing experience where the sex was fairly routine and the emphasis was entirely on pleasuring the male, but our data shows that this isn’t always the case anymore,” Oberlin said. “In fact, we found that a large number of Americans even prefer to watch sex that focuses solely on female pleasure and doesn’t involve men at all.”

Researchers confirmed that since the last time the survey was conducted, in 1989, there has been a large increase in watching forms of sex that were previously considered taboo, citing examples such as oral sex performed to the point of asphyxiation, fisting, and erotic lactation.

While the study determined that vaginal intercourse is still by far the most commonly viewed sexual act in the U.S., more Americans, including a large percentage of women, indicated they are now open to watching fellatio, cunnilingus, anal penetration, and dominance and submission.

“I used to only watch the missionary position, which was kind of boring, but now, I’ve been getting into watching sensual massages and role-playing stuff with cheerleader costumes,” said Patrick Sanders, 38, a Phoenix-area husband and father of two. “The truth is I used to have a lot of hang-ups and I couldn’t even fathom watching a threesome with two men and one woman. In fact, the thought of seeing another guy’s penis during sex-viewing was just gross. But it turns out I was missing out on watching some really hot sex.”

“At this point, I’m completely fine seeing someone ejaculate on pretty much any body part—in fact, that’s something I discovered I actually enjoy viewing,” added Sanders. “I’m even thinking of exploring watching bondage. That’s something I never could have viewed years ago.”

Researchers also found that Americans are spicing up their sex-watching lives by viewing intercourse in different settings such as bedrooms, kitchens, bathrooms, offices, classrooms, parks, college dorms, public spaces, and even moving vehicles.

In addition, many of those surveyed said they are watching sex more spontaneously or viewing it at unusual times of day, which they said increased their arousal.

“Sometimes, I’ll watch sex first thing in the morning before I roll out of bed and get ready for work, and it’s fantastic,” said Mitch Watson, adding that he has never felt more alive. “I thought I was watching pretty good sex in my 20s, but this is a whole new level. I know what I want to watch now, and it’s a little more unrestrained and kinky.”

“Last week, my wife and I booked a hotel for a couple nights and spent the entire time in the room,” continued Watson. “We just ordered room service and watched great sex all weekend.”

http://www.theonion.com/articles/survey-americans-watching-better-sex-than-ever,36640/?recirc=unsponsored&utm_source=The+Onion&utm_campaign=3b3b67c7b3-The_Onion_Newsletter_Daily_Template&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_6a8b5ad20e-3b3b67c7b3-16729065

The Onion Weekly News Wrap video

 

Good news on the medical front

FDA Approves First Artificial Tumor

WASHINGTON—Following years of research and testing, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration officially approved a groundbreaking artificial tumor Tuesday, marking the first time a synthetic malignant growth has been cleared for use in patients across the country. “There were obviously significant complications in devising a tumor substitute the human body would accept, but we now have an artificial neoplasm that serves the same physiological functions as an organic abnormal growth of tissue,” said Jeffrey Shuren of the FDA’s Center for Devices and Radiological Health, adding that the polymer-based lump can be safely implanted in patients regardless of age, health, or medical history during a minimally invasive and relatively quick two-hour surgical procedure. “This synthetic tumor is remarkably lightweight, malignant, and capable of naturally metastasizing throughout the body. It also has the benefit of being incredibly small—roughly the size of a dime—but once in the body, it will grow two to three times in size and will get to work immediately replicating itself.” Shuren added that while initial prototypes of the device had only enough battery power to last a few days, the approved version is capable of going for several years or more, or until its objective has been completed.

CIA thinking ahead to next pro-American coup or assassination

Report: Majority Of CIA Now Ready To Install Female World Leader

NewsWorldgovernmentworld leadersNewsISSUE 50•30Jul 29, 2014

In a marked generational shift, more than half of current CIA covert agents say they would engineer a bloody coup d’etat to install a female political puppet for the U.S. to manipulate. 

http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-majority-of-cia-now-ready-to-install-female,36570/

Members of the CIA, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told reporters that an increasing number of agents hired from a younger, more progressive generation are significantly more open to a woman leading one of the handful of nations the agency has deemed ready for a regime change. According to informal polling within the Clandestine Service division, the violent overthrow of a foreign leader in favor of a female dictator backed by the U.S. could occur as soon as within the next few years.

“Certainly, when I first started off in the agency, installing a woman as a country’s president in order to stave off the communist threat would have never even been considered,” said one veteran official, adding that the gender norms of the times suggested that a woman’s place was in the home and not at the forefront of a pro-Western paramilitary organization receiving arms, training, and millions of untraceable dollars from the CIA. “Had someone in 1964 suggested we conspire with the Brazilian army generals to replace President João Goulart with a woman, he would have been laughed out of the room. However, like many Americans, our views have evolved over time, and today, we’ve reached the point where a woman is definitely considered as a legitimate possibility during our black ops planning.”

“I would like to think that in the year 2014 we are forward-thinking enough to supplant foreign leaders with the best and most pliant person we can find, regardless of gender,” he added. “If this individual can follow our explicit agenda and successfully destabilize leftist movements, what does it matter if the person’s a man or a woman?”

When surveyed, the majority of intelligence community members stationed overseas said they would be willing to foment civil unrest within a country to elevate a woman to power, be it by orchestrating a wide-scale misinformation campaign or paying local gangs to spark protests and rallies in her name. While some said it might initially feel strange or uncomfortable seeing a woman condemn her predecessor to death for the first time, they argued they have a firm obligation to rig an election on the behalf of whoever is truly up to the task of brutally cracking down on political activists the U.S. views as threats to its interests.

Many officers told reporters they are surprised it has taken so long for the idea to gain acceptance, given that the agency propped up its first black president, the Democratic Republic of the Congo’s Joseph-Desiré Mobutu, back in 1960.

“Most agents nowadays recognize that there are countless women across the globe who are more than qualified to kowtow to every demand of the United States,” said one station chief, adding that he could name at least seven or eight different Venezuelan women he believes could be thrust into a power vacuum created by the U.S. and successfully declare themselves president for life. “Over time, we’ve seen a steady increase in the number of women around the world who are involved in the planning and execution of bribery schemes and assassination plots, and they are certainly well-represented within the leadership of the various radical student groups we control. However, it’s about time we actually see a woman elevated to the presidency after the U.S. strong-arms that country’s military leaders into supporting her.”

“They’re ready,” he continued. “And far more importantly, so are we.”

Despite reports that a significant percentage of the agency is now receptive to propping up its first female dictator, sources confirmed that many hardliners at CIA headquarters remain reluctant to endorse such an operation, citing their belief that women simply are not equipped to handle the physical and psychological demands of illegitimate rule, such as managing a secret police, regularly killing off rival political and business leaders, and developing a cult of personality. Others told reporters they fear that female political puppets may not command the level of respect from other foreign leaders necessary to provide the U.S. with a useful proxy in their respective region of the world.

“While there are still holdouts within the agency, it is my personal hope that one day, future CIA operatives will find it completely normal to choose a woman to, for example, denationalize a country’s titanium mines after paying a local death squad to assassinate the prime minister,” said one high-level official. “But that can only happen if we take the bold and admittedly difficult first step today of creating a constitutional crisis that results in the elevation of a female despot, whose brutal, iron-fisted rule will be subsequently overlooked.”

“I just want my children to know I was on the right side of history,” he added.

%d bloggers like this: