Daily Archives: September 8, 2014

The Onion: Ukrainian-Russian Tensions Dividing U.S. Citizens Along Ignorant, Apathetic Lines

NewsPoliticsWorldpoliticiansISSUE 50•09Mar 3, 2014

“The very real threat of a Russia-Ukraine war has completely polarized the general public, pitting two deeply entrenched blocs against one another: those who have absolutely no clue what they’re talking about and those who couldn’t care less,” said Pew spokesman Andrew Collins, noting that the ouster of Ukraine’s president Viktor Yanukovych and Russia’s subsequent occupation of Crimea has inflamed tensions between the two sides to a level unseen since the height of the war in Syria. “This is not a distinctly regional or socioeconomic split, either. We’re seeing local workplaces, friends, even families ripped in two by their desire to either ignore the whole thing completely or spout an inane, half-witted opinion on it like they’re some geopolitical expert.”

“And as the situation develops and Western powers become more involved, these divisions will only appear more stark,” he added. “In the coming weeks, we can expect to hear a growing cacophony of uninformed and harebrained calls for action or restraint from one side, and absolutely nothing at all from the other.”

Results of the poll found that the two sides are at odds on nearly every facet of the crisis, from last week’s protests in Kiev, to Ukraine’s freeing of former president Yulia Tymoshenko, to Russian president Vladimir Putin’s invasion of the Crimean Peninsula in defiance of Western warnings, with neither group seeing eye-to-eye on any of the developments’ significance—or whether they even have any significance to begin with.

Additionally, nearly half the U.S. public has put forth numerous breathtakingly naive potential solutions to the crisis—which range from economic sanctions on Russia, to economic sanctions on Ukraine, to deploying the U.S. military to the “middle of Asia” to solve the standoff—while an equal number of Americans firmly and repeatedly stated their commitment to not giving a shit one way or the other.

Furthermore, sources are reporting that the deep ideological rift over the Russia-Ukraine conflict is visible in nearly every community and place of work across the country, with disinterested and misinformed Americans confirming they have repeatedly come into conflict in recent days.

“It’s incredibly frustrating to try to talk some sense into someone who doesn’t realize that Crimea’s very freedom as an independent nation is at stake,” said completely ignorant San Jose, CA resident Carol Goldmacher, who admitted that she has clashed constantly in the past week over Ukraine with her staunchly apathetic roommate Lisa Suarez. “Talking to her is like talking to a brick wall. It’s almost as if she doesn’t even want to hear how Putin was kicked out of Ukraine by his own people and then retaliated by invading Crimea. Frankly, no matter how much I tell her that Obama’s this close to breaking his silence and issuing a warning to Russia, it’s just not getting through to her.”

“The bottom line is that Carol’s views aren’t going to affect my opinion,” said Suarez of her roommate’s constant uneducated opinions about John Kerry’s upcoming trip to Kiev and her bizarre personal assertion that the invasion happened “suspiciously close to the Olympics.” “My mind’s made up, and I completely stand by my lack of interest in this issue. So Carol should just keep her mouth shut and let this situation—whatever it is—play out.”

According to reports, most Americans see little chance of the warring camps coming to any sort of reconciliation any time soon, as supporters on both sides appeared committed in their respective efforts to either gravely misconstrue the complicated crisis in Ukraine or remain checked out of the issue entirely. Still, some experts are holding out hope that the two groups may be able to someday see eye-to-eye on the thorny issue of Ukrainian sovereignty and Russian aggression.

“As startling as these two factions’ differences may seem at first, there’s still opportunity for the two sides to come together and reach a compromise on the Ukraine conflict,” said Collins. “When it comes to the situation in Crimea, there’s a middle ground between ignorance and apathy on this issue that I think all Americans could happily live with.”

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Richard Nixon: “That is no longer operative.” Current White House Guy: “Gimme a high five, baby.”

Hi readers.

Do you have difficulties keeping track of all that crap going on in the pestholes of the world?  I’m not talking about France here.  I’m talking about places where we’ve either invaded them and given them their freedom [Actually I suppose France meets that description, along with everyone else involved in WWII except Russia] eh.  Well, hell.

Let me start over.  I don’t understand what the hell is going on in the Ukraine, Turkey, Syria, Iraq, Russia, or even the Pacific Ocean downstream from Fukushima Northern Hemisphere Distributor of Deadly Radiation.  I don’t understand why they keep beating the trumpet claiming Ebola’s going to kill us all.  I don’t understand why people keep claiming they don’t understand that Israel’s gradually absorbing their neighboring country before the eyes of the world and killing off the residents there indiscriminately.

It’s consoling to me to figure the guy in the White House doesn’t understand any of that either.

Nothing new there.  Back when Ronald Reagan was dealing with Iran during the Jimmy Carter presidency, telling them he’d trade them weaponry if they’d hold onto the hostages until after the election, Reagan didn’t understand it all, either.  I doubt he ever understood he’d been whipsawed by a bunch of smartypantses, one in particular, wearing a Marine Lt. Colonel insignia and a pretty face.  I think Iran/Contra took him by surprise.

Yeah, Colonel John Wayne North helped weave that web.  Along with a number of familiar faces later on during the Bush Senior presidency, engineering Desert Storm.  Maybe Bush Senior understood it all.

But nobody has since then, among the distant observers, nor among the people who think they’re making it all happen.

Be consoled, readers.  Nobody even remembers the assassination of President Diem, the Gulf of Tonkin and how that blew up into the biggest US military debacle in US history.  Nobody even remembered it a couple of years into the war.

For that matter, nobody remembers the invasion of Panama, the Iran Hostages and the cute piece of horse trading Reagan lackeys used to keep those hostages in prison until after the election in exchange for weaponry.  Nobody even remembers the Bay of Pigs.  Or the devil-take-the-hindmost last minute graveyards voting in South Texas that won the election for John Kennedy.

So if you don’t understand what the hell we’re doing talking about military involvement in the vicinity of Russia and the Ukraine, don’t worry.  A year from now you won’t remember it anyway.  Same with Syria, Iran, everywhere else it’s more comfortable for the government if you forget.

You’ll remember North Korea.  Be consoled.  And you’ll remember that someone in Palestine shot the finger at an Israeli and caused them to have to carpet bomb some town or city full of unarmed civilians to get at suspected terrorists.

Be consoled though.  The guy in the White House won’t remember it, either.

Old Jules

Homeland Security: Just wait ’till you see the False Flag we’ve got for you 9/11/2014

Hi readers.  Thanks for coming by for a read.

Support the Troops

As I’ve made perfectly clear on this blog, I don’t trust this 21st Century US government and I don’t believe there’s a lowest common denominator the folks running it would stoop to.  Have probably already stooped to, to manipulate the minds of the citizenry, give themselves more power, and blame it on someone else.

Seems to me there’s enough going on today, and plenty of confusion for a setting, so’s the 9/11/2014 might be the next BIG DAY for them to roll out a new piece of theater.  I’m not saying it will happen, but I’m saying if it does, the possibility exists that having the day earmarked and frowning at it as it develops might lead to greater understanding after-the-fact.  Might seal off the emotions it’s contrived to create and allow clear thinking while examining it from the front.

Could be something with this silly Ebola thing they’ve been waving the bloody flag about seemingly trying to work up to something, but that doesn’t seem a likely candidate.  Too difficult to twist it around and blame it on the Arabs, or the Russians.  Or Iran, or North Korea.  Those have the best potential as boogiebears, but these folks are sneaky.  It could turn out to be something entirely unexpected.

But if someplace gets hit, say Japan, or the Golan Heights, or Paris, Edinwossname, Scotland [because of that Independence vote coming up] with a small thermonuclear device, say, hold in your mind the possibility it’s not as it seems.  That the Arabs, or the Russians, or the Persians, or whatever other usual suspect they point the finger at, aren’t the guilty parties.

Assuming this twitching at the back of my neck is correct and someone’s going to take advantage of the day to burn another one in your memories, it mightn’t be a nuke.  It might be something else calculated to have everyone running around in increasingly smaller circles giving up any constitutional rights standing in the way of destroying the alleged responsible parties.

And if it does transpire, probably we’ll all be doing precisely as we’re expected to do.  Those folks have studied us for a long time.  They know where to punch all the right buttons to make us salivate.

But they are doling out a few hints.  The Russian thing lately seems a good possibility, something about ISIS, North Korea is always good, maybe nuking Seoul or Tokyo.  And Israel’s been hoping for some really compelling means of getting us into a war with Iran for the LONGEST time.  And there’s ISIS.

Anyway, maybe keeping some distance, retaining some skepticism and analytical ability is the best any of us can hope for.

Or better yet, maybe it won’t happen.

Old Jules

 

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