Tag Archives: humor

Scaring the high-tech scarable

Posted on September 24, 2013 by | 6 comments
Three wooden toothpicks under the hatband forward of the feather leaning backward scares the hell out of them

Three wooden toothpicks under the hatband forward of the feather leaning backward scares the hell out of them

Good morning readers. Thanks for coming by for a read.

During those upsy-downsey times when I was trying to squeeze out a living playing blackjack I picked my casino carefully.  Only casinos offering the surrender option allows the player to throw out the blackjack books and stack the table and the odds in his own favor.  It’s a cause for black looks and hatred from the other players, but deep suspicion on the part of casino security and pit bosses.

Surrender doesn’t exist in a lot of gambling joints.  It allows players, once they see both their cards and one of the dealer cards, to take back half his bet and bow out of the hand.  I’d spent a lot of time on the computer figuring out how to turn this into a slight, but significant bending back the fingers of the house advantage.

One day I was doing fairly well on third base at the Santa Ana Star Casino.  I was wearing the high roller, and I always kept a few toothpicks in the hatband ahead of the feather for easy access during moments of contemplation.

My splitting 10s and not splitting aces at times, not at other times, doubling down sometimes, surrendering others, was working despite the fact it defied the traditions, superstitions and religions of blackjack.

I’d been there an hour or two when the pit boss came over standing beside me, watching.  At one point he bent across the partition during a hand, close to my head.  I thought he was smelling my high roller.  But a few minutes later two security men came and stood with him, watching.

A couple of hands later two more security folks came and stood behind me watching the play.  I didn’t change my strategy, kept getting as much money on the table as I could when the advantage was my way, surrendering when it wasn’t.

When the dealer finished the shoe the pit boss leaned over to me and said, “Would you mind taking your hat off please?”

I reached up and pulled it off, thinking he was admiring my high roller.  He bent over and squinted, along with the four security guards.  I handed him the hat and he showed it around, feather side up.  They all squinted.  Then one of the guards carefully took one of the toothpicks out of the band.

“They’re just toothpicks!”  He handed it around so they all could confirm it.

He handed my high roller back to me and shrugged to the security men.  “You can go.”  Then he turned back to me.  “Why do you keep toothpicks in your hatband?”

By this time I’d caught onto their suspicions and concerns.  I was barely able to restrain myself, keep my humor dry.  “Mojo.”

“What?”

“Mojo.  Three toothpicks brings me paired 10s and more blackjacks.”

Sneering, he shrugged and walked away.  Surrendered and never knew it.

Old Jules

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Posted in 2000's, America, Gambling

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Time to switch hats

Posted on September 23, 2013 by | 9 comments

hatrack

Hi readers. Thanks for coming by.

I just want to remind those who might have forgotten it’s time to put aside that old sweat-stained straw and don your felt, or cloth hats.  Admittedly a lot of people don’t notice these days because they’re wearing ball caps sideways or backward, or just aren’t sensitive to delicate style issues.

Tilley

But the people who matter will notice.

Old Jules

9 Comments

Posted in 2013

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“The men who write upon these walls,” mystery solved

Posted on September 22, 2013 by | 8 comments
The part about rolling it in little balls had scientists tearing their hair out. Putting periscopes under the partitions trying to catch someone doing it.

The part about rolling it in little balls had scientists tearing their hair out. Putting periscopes under the partitions trying to catch someone doing it.

If they'd looked at the floor they could have solved it decades earlier.

If they’d looked at the floor they could have solved it decades earlier.

Hi readers.  Scientists have finally solved one of the most puzzling mysteries of the 20th Century.  The poem beginning, “The men who write upon these walls,” found on the stall partitions in Mens’ rooms was a phenomenon more pervasive than the “Kilroy was here” riddle of the WWII era.

Now they can finally settle down to studying why the magnetic poles of earth wander around from hell to breakfast.

Old Jules

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Posted in 2013, Human Behavior, Nature, Science

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Fanaticism might be giving religion a bad reputation

Posted on September 22, 2013 by | 3 comments

Hi readers.  Here’s something to think about.

Even though they’ve created homelands for various religious fanatics, they still create a lot of problems.  For instance, the Shinto religion in Japan could be said to have been responsible for the WWII war in the Pacific, the Rape of Nanking and Shanghai, the slaughter of thousands of Filipinos, the Bataan Death March and other inconveniences.

Similarly, creating a homeland for Protestant religious fanatics in Northern Ireland has filled the news with trouble almost from the beginning.  Then there’s the Zionists and Israel, along with the Muslims in Palestine. 

For that matter, the State of the Vatican for Catholic religious fanatics has been the source of all manner of difficulties in the Americas and elsewhere over the centuries.

The reality is that it isn’t just in the homelands.  Religious fanaticism spreads all over history for the past 2000 years and refuses to stay within any boundaries.  Admittedly the symbiosis between ruling aristocracies and one-or-another religion, and instilling fanaticism into the peasants has done a good job keeping them in line, arousing them to go out chopping up the people the aristocrats point them at.

But most people would admit it’s gotten out of hand in some instances.

Maybe it’s time to sit down with religious fanatics of all varieties and have a prayer meeting.  Try to find out what it is makes them so violent and difficult to get along with.  Find out why they keep discommoding regular people by burning them at the stake, blowing them up, chopping them to pieces and other inconveniences.  Maybe there’s something we could do to keep them happier.

Old Jules

3 Comments

Posted in 2013, America

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The good news behind the bad news

Posted on September 22, 2013 by | 2 comments

Hi readers. Thanks for comng by for a read this morning.

The news is always so full of Judeo-Christian-Muslim religious fanatics terrorizing one another we sometimes overlook the larger issues.  This is one example.

Look at the Kenya army troops in this picture. 

  • First thing you notice is they’ve got a lot of meat on their bones.  Obviously, once they kicked out the British these people had food left lying around they could eat and fatten up.  Same as the Irish.
  • Second thing you see is the weather’s cold, but these guys are dressed for it.  Looks as though they’re wearing US Marine Corps sweaters.  But all of them are bundled up, which means they had the means to do it.
  • Third, they’ve got helmet-liners which don’t look like the old NAZI coal-scoop ones from WWII nor the ones US troops wear now.  That means they’re not indiscriminately blowing up civilians for the hell of it.
  • Then there’s the boots.  Those are good boots.  Those boots weren’t taken off some civilian corpse.
  • Look at the weaponry.  Any gun nut in the United States would kill to get one of those rifles.
  • Okay, yeah, the truck they’re in doesn’t have a spare tire.  But hell, y0u can’t have everything.

Here’s a better look at the boots and trowsers of the troops.

Notice they’re mostly wearing pre-Vietnam combat boots, though one’s wearing Vietnam era ones, and one’s wearing desert boots.  Obviously they have some style choices.  But they’ve all got US Army fatigue britches from back when US military clothing was made from US cotton and sewn into uniforms by US workers.

Now, here’s the parking lot in front of the mall those Judeo-Christian-Muslim religious fanatics attacked.

Notice the automobiles.  The lousiest car in that picture is better than any I’ve owned in more than a decade.

Seems obvious once they ran the British out of Kenya things got a lot better, all in all.  At least in that part of Africa you can’t tell it from the US. 

Sure, they have problems with Judeo-Christian-Muslim religious fanatics.  But who the hell doesn’t?

Old Jules

2 Comments

Posted in 2013, America

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Evil Empires, Reagan and the Slaviet Onion

Posted on September 21, 2013 by | 2 comments

Hi readers.

When our sainted once-king Ronald Reagan wasn’t parking small Volkswagens under his hair next to his scalp he was fond of saying the Soviet Union was an evil empire.  But Reagan meant this in a good way.  What Reagan intended to communicate was, compared to not being an empire, the Soviet Union was evil.

As the somewhat temporary monarch of his own empire extending from Guam to Hawaii to Alaska to the contiguous states of the continent to Puerto Rico, Reagan had noticed the condition of being part of an empire wasn’t an unmitigated blessing for all the non-aristocrats living inside it.

Reagan was wise enough to know that he couldn’t do much about the ills of being non-aristocrats in an empire, but he wanted to do something good anyway, or something someone might call good in the history books.  And since he couldn’t do it for the non-aristocrats, hell, at least he could be a popular cult-figure doer-of-good-deeds for the aristocrats.

He decided if those aristocrats could be turned absolutely loose to acquire wealth and power beyond their wildest dreams they might be satisfied and allow some of the good to trickle down into the pockets and households of the peasantry who were mowing their lawns, flipping their hamburgers and doing tune-ups on their Rolls Royces.

The result was profound.  The nature of his empire went through a lot of subtle changes and the texture of the evil was distilled in some unexpected subtle directions.  In no time at all US jobs, businesses and small industry were swirling down the toilet headed for China and other countries where the labor was less expensive.  His aristocrats discovered the multi-national grass was a heluva lot greener than the stuff under the purple mountains majesties on the fruited plains.

So in a sense it can be said Reagan destroyed his own evil empire in favor of a much larger one owned by banks and multi-national corporations.  And somehow in the process he managed to make the rednecks and semi-literates lower their voices in reverence when they spoke his name.

Today he’s still remembered that way, but more within the legions of Oliver North clones serving his multi-national aristocrats.

Finding something that rhymes with empire that isn’t evil is a tough gig.

Old Jules

2 Comments

Posted in America, Communication, Government, History

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The First Church of Infanticide as a Chinese import

Posted on September 20, 2013 by | Leave a comment

Hi readers.  Thanks for coming by.

Even though the Biblical story of Abraham explicitly gives Jewish, Christian and Muslim parents the right to kill their children when God, or Old Sol instructs them to do it, many are surprisingly reluctant.  Christians, Jews and Muslims have all exercised a lot of circumspection on the issue.  No lawsuits have been filed contesting the right of government to forbid them to kill their kids when mandated by God, or Old Sol to do it.

Which probably happens a lot more frequently than anyone would imagine. 

However, a new faction of the Judeo-Christian-Muslim panorama has evolved in China applying the Abraham Mandate, but bypassing or rejecting everything related to Biblical Doctrine unrelated to the story of Abraham.  Initial surveys of parents inside the US suggest the new Church will be enthusiastically welcomed.

Chinese exporters and US importers agree the new denomination of Judeo-Christianity should prove a real moneymaker.  CDs and flash drives containing the voices of God, Old Sol, and even various pagan deities ordering parents to sacrifice their children are already being prepared to be sold in houses of worship.

The advantage to this new religion/financial opportunity is that all profits are tax-exempt, all prophets are welcome, and cottage industries in local communities turning out their own CDs and flash drives can easily be incorporated into local economies.

Old Jules

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Posted in 2013, America

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Feminism and evolution – Mama Nature’s answer to modern medicine

Posted on September 20, 2013 by | 2 comments

Hi readers.  Thanks for coming by for a read.

For a while Mama Nature had to scratch her head about improvements in human survivability caused by hand washing, soap, and rudimentary understanding of disease.  Suddenly instead of weak and flawed specimens of humanity dying before reaching the age of reproduction, far larger numbers were surviving until they’d reproduced.  And Mama Nature knew the only outcome possible would be eventual de-evolution.  Possibly having to replace humans as the dominate species.

The culling programs Mama Nature’s always done on every species were falling apart.  Something was going to have to be done to point things back into the direction Mama Nature intended.

Bringing a species into a position of absolute dominance is one hell of a lot of work and takes a lot of patience on the part of Mama Nature.  Lizards, barn owls, duckbill platypuses and other candidates all lacked opposing thumbs.

So Mama Nature finally decided to try another alternative.  She invented feminism, which led inevitably to a lot of aborting instead of having to kill off youngsters by disease, hunger and filth.  Henceforth a foetus would have to convince the mother it was worth the price of admission before it was allowed to be born.

Concurrently in China Mama Nature tried a different method.  She just gave the parents incentives to kill off all their girl-babies.  This certainly had the salubrious outcome of reducing the number of female offspring living to reproduce, but Mama Nature considered it a bit broad-brush.  It threw the baby out with the bathwater insofar as improving the species.

Mama Nature’s experiment hasn’t been going long enough to establish whether it’s a 100% success, but it is certainly telling her a lot about human beings.  For instance, infants fathered by weakling beta males picked up in bars tended to be unconvincing for survival in the eyes of feminists.  And those fathered in best-she-could-do wedlock by weakling betas also didn’t offer up convincing arguments for survival.  Same with drunken beach orgies, impromptu filmings of porn flics, the whole range of sexual activities indulged without regard for genetic factors.

It’s going to take a while for the results of Mama Nature’s feminist experiment to reveal themselves, but whatever they might be, she’ll come out the other end with a better understanding of how to deal with human beings and modern medicine.

There’s still a possibility humanity won’t have to be replaced with barn owls.

Old Jules

2 Comments

Posted in America, Animals, Nature

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Representive democracy, selective breeding and the US Constitution

Posted on September 19, 2013 by | Leave a comment

Hi readers.  Thanks for coming by for a read.

The wise men who framed the US Constitution knew all about how power, wealth and decadence caused every generation of aristocracy, every generation of human being born to power and wealth was weaker, lazier, stupider, more arrogant and shiftless than the previous one. 

They knew, those men writing the Constitution, the time would come when the White House and both houses of the US Congress would be filled with the descendants of black slaves.  Because they recognized the only alpha-males left in some future time would be those same black descendants of slavery.  That was obvious to them.  They knew representative democracy was the only way they could assure that when blacks outnumbered whites they’d be able to bloodlessly emerge as the dominant power.

Of course, they didn’t know about Hispanics and other prolific minorities, but they had the general idea.  It was a tough, courageous decision because all of them were white.  But they knew there’d come a time when their own progeny were a herd of worthless, stupid, lazy followers and worshipers of anything resembling an alpha male, no matter what ethnicity.

History proved them wise.  Football was the first hint the dream of the forefathers was coming true, followed by rap music and population explosions in ethnic ghettos.  The long-awaited takeover of the US government was moving right along in accordance with the plan of the founding fathers.  And concurrently with similar emergence of alpha-types from minorities in other cultural fields.

It’s on the doorstep now.  Finally ethnic minorities will soon be in a position to assume the reins of power, wealth, prosperity and government.

Patriots and believers in representative democracy should be preparing for the victory parades and celebrations.  The sooner a full slate of ethnic minority candidates is offered up in a general election the more rapidly the aspirations of the founding fathers will be fulfilled.

Finally our great nation will once again be run by alpha males and females, same as music and sports.  Rejoice!  Up the [r]evolution!

We white males can finally get back to getting our hands dirty doing the grunt work, stoop-labor and heavy lifting we degenerate betas are best suited for, aside from toadying to alphas.  And white females can try to find open minded alpha ethnics to procreate with without being criticized.

Old Jules

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Posted in 2013, America, Government, History, Human Behavior

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SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: This blog might be hazardous to your mental health

Posted on September 19, 2013 by | 11 comments

Hi readers.  I probably should have warned you about this sooner.   Hopefully I’m not too late.

I write this blog because I enjoy doing it.  I write it because to me writing it reduces the pressures of having to exist in a world where swarm behaviors dominate my species.  This blog is my teflon coating to help me partially escape participation in the swarm.  I write this blog to help me unravel the world around me as I observe it and attempt to draw meaningful conclusions.

For me it’s a piece of my own determination to be a better human being tomorrow than I am today.  It’s a part of an ongoing program to continuously persuade myself such a thing is possible.

Sometimes I write what I believe are facts.  Sometimes analogies.  Sometimes absurdities that only contain what I believe bear similarities to facts without actually attempting to capture them.

Swarm behavior can’t be examined, analysed, understood from inside the swarm.  Sometimes my thinking is trapped inside the swarm and I attempt to examine it, but frequently I’m able to achieve escape velocity and observe from some distance away.  Even I usually don’t know which is which, whether I’m making valid observations from outside, or flawed ones from inside.

In any case, I suggest nobody take this blog seriously.  If you see words, phrases, paragraphs here you find disagreeable, there’s no call to be offended.  I can’t threaten your swarm, and if you’re outside your swarm you probably can’t beckon me to the position you are viewing it from.

But the main thing is, enjoy the blog if you can, because there’s nothing I might say of enough importance to justify a moment of displeasure.  It’s an easy blog not to read. 

Protect whatever mental health you believe you are carrying around with you, either by smiling when you read here, or by going somewhere else to read something more smileable.  This blog is not an important issue.

As far as I’m aware the blog does not cause cancer, does not carry any communicable disease in its words.  I don’t believe there are any environment consequences, no threats caused by second-hand blog when it’s shared.  I’ve tried to be responsible and avoid that

I appreciate you either way.

Old Jules

11 Comments

Posted in 2013, America, Communication

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