News briefs from the Onion
Amazing advances in prosthetic beauty
News briefs from the Onion
Amazing advances in prosthetic beauty
WASHINGTON—Following years of research and testing, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration officially approved a groundbreaking artificial tumor Tuesday, marking the first time a synthetic malignant growth has been cleared for use in patients across the country. “There were obviously significant complications in devising a tumor substitute the human body would accept, but we now have an artificial neoplasm that serves the same physiological functions as an organic abnormal growth of tissue,” said Jeffrey Shuren of the FDA’s Center for Devices and Radiological Health, adding that the polymer-based lump can be safely implanted in patients regardless of age, health, or medical history during a minimally invasive and relatively quick two-hour surgical procedure. “This synthetic tumor is remarkably lightweight, malignant, and capable of naturally metastasizing throughout the body. It also has the benefit of being incredibly small—roughly the size of a dime—but once in the body, it will grow two to three times in size and will get to work immediately replicating itself.” Shuren added that while initial prototypes of the device had only enough battery power to last a few days, the approved version is capable of going for several years or more, or until its objective has been completed.
Hi readers. When Keith and I were kids in Portales in 1954, a boy named Harold Hodges ran around with us a little. For some reason we called him Winkie. Keith and I discussed him sometime a while back and he knew Winkie a long while after I lost track. Winkie was one of the really honest-to-goodness poor kids we knew. Hardscrabble farm kid out in the sand hills off the Clovis highway.
I knew his dad died in the mountains deer hunting in 1955, I remembered that. And I remembered his mom became a bootlegger to make a living in alcohol-dry Roosevelt County.
Anyway, I was remembering an incident on the school grounds involving Winkie, Keith and I getting into one hell of a lot of trouble with a teacher named Mrs. Tate. The meanest teacher I ever had, maybe the meanest woman I ever encountered this lifetime, though she had stiff competition on both avenues.
But Winkie, Keith and I made her cry. On the other hand, thanks to her I didn’t learn long division until a quarter-century later. It wasn’t an even trade, but it was the best three 4th graders could do given the resources available.
Anyway, I did a websearch for Harold Hodges, then Winkie Hodges. Just curious. All I came up with was an obit for a name I’d encountered several years later when I lived in Borger, Texas. Small world. Winkie was still alive in 1998, still in Portales, and they were still calling him Winkie.
Abbie G. Friend
BORGER – Abbie G. Friend, 85, died Monday, Nov. 2, 1998.
She married Deane Friend in 1975 at Borger. She was preceded in death
by a son.
Survivors include her husband; three sons, Wayne Vaughan of Mission,
Jack Vaughan of Pryor, Okla., and Gerald Vaughan of Long Beach,
Calif.; three brothers, Volly Hodges of Friona, Teet Hodges of
Roswell, N.M., and Winkie Hodges of Portales, N.M.; seven sisters,
Lorene Cunningham of Lubbock, Lois Hill of Odessa, Bernice Alexander
and Natoma Reigle, both of San Antonio, Geraldine Farmer of Ozark,
Ark., Maggie Rae Gibbs of Silver City, N.M., and Lena May Gibbs of
Portales, N.M.; seven grandchildren; and 12 great-grandchildren.
The family suggests memorials be to the Women’s Abuse Center.
Sooooo. Bound to be a story worth knowing why the family wanted memorials sent to the Women’s Abuse Center, but it didn’t have anything I could discern to do with Winkie Hodges. Just Coincideneces trekking around roping and branding everything in sight.
Anyway, Winkie’s dad died of a heart attack early in life, but I think he might still be alive. I didn’t find an obit on him, anyway. If I ever figure out I’ve got enough heart left to travel I think I might try to look him up or find his gravestone.
Members of the CIA, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told reporters that an increasing number of agents hired from a younger, more progressive generation are significantly more open to a woman leading one of the handful of nations the agency has deemed ready for a regime change. According to informal polling within the Clandestine Service division, the violent overthrow of a foreign leader in favor of a female dictator backed by the U.S. could occur as soon as within the next few years.
“Certainly, when I first started off in the agency, installing a woman as a country’s president in order to stave off the communist threat would have never even been considered,” said one veteran official, adding that the gender norms of the times suggested that a woman’s place was in the home and not at the forefront of a pro-Western paramilitary organization receiving arms, training, and millions of untraceable dollars from the CIA. “Had someone in 1964 suggested we conspire with the Brazilian army generals to replace President João Goulart with a woman, he would have been laughed out of the room. However, like many Americans, our views have evolved over time, and today, we’ve reached the point where a woman is definitely considered as a legitimate possibility during our black ops planning.”
“I would like to think that in the year 2014 we are forward-thinking enough to supplant foreign leaders with the best and most pliant person we can find, regardless of gender,” he added. “If this individual can follow our explicit agenda and successfully destabilize leftist movements, what does it matter if the person’s a man or a woman?”
When surveyed, the majority of intelligence community members stationed overseas said they would be willing to foment civil unrest within a country to elevate a woman to power, be it by orchestrating a wide-scale misinformation campaign or paying local gangs to spark protests and rallies in her name. While some said it might initially feel strange or uncomfortable seeing a woman condemn her predecessor to death for the first time, they argued they have a firm obligation to rig an election on the behalf of whoever is truly up to the task of brutally cracking down on political activists the U.S. views as threats to its interests.
Many officers told reporters they are surprised it has taken so long for the idea to gain acceptance, given that the agency propped up its first black president, the Democratic Republic of the Congo’s Joseph-Desiré Mobutu, back in 1960.
“Most agents nowadays recognize that there are countless women across the globe who are more than qualified to kowtow to every demand of the United States,” said one station chief, adding that he could name at least seven or eight different Venezuelan women he believes could be thrust into a power vacuum created by the U.S. and successfully declare themselves president for life. “Over time, we’ve seen a steady increase in the number of women around the world who are involved in the planning and execution of bribery schemes and assassination plots, and they are certainly well-represented within the leadership of the various radical student groups we control. However, it’s about time we actually see a woman elevated to the presidency after the U.S. strong-arms that country’s military leaders into supporting her.”
“They’re ready,” he continued. “And far more importantly, so are we.”
Despite reports that a significant percentage of the agency is now receptive to propping up its first female dictator, sources confirmed that many hardliners at CIA headquarters remain reluctant to endorse such an operation, citing their belief that women simply are not equipped to handle the physical and psychological demands of illegitimate rule, such as managing a secret police, regularly killing off rival political and business leaders, and developing a cult of personality. Others told reporters they fear that female political puppets may not command the level of respect from other foreign leaders necessary to provide the U.S. with a useful proxy in their respective region of the world.
“While there are still holdouts within the agency, it is my personal hope that one day, future CIA operatives will find it completely normal to choose a woman to, for example, denationalize a country’s titanium mines after paying a local death squad to assassinate the prime minister,” said one high-level official. “But that can only happen if we take the bold and admittedly difficult first step today of creating a constitutional crisis that results in the elevation of a female despot, whose brutal, iron-fisted rule will be subsequently overlooked.”
“I just want my children to know I was on the right side of history,” he added.
Hi readers. Thanks for coming by for a read.
If Israel were a religious, rather than secular nation, pointing out THOU SHALT NOT STEAL is a commandment. But Israel deliberately chose to become a secular state. A state where Christians, Muslims and Jews would all be treated equally. Where stealing just ain’t all that big a deal if you can get by with it. If you’ve got heavier artillery than the folks you’re stealing from.
A friend of mine, a mainline Christian of US lineage, supports Israel and always has. He reads and believes the Israeli websites pointing fingers of blame away from Israel and carefully examining ‘what’s been done to Israel’ and the spotlighted victimized Israel loves to portray. Along with muted Holocaust innuendo so’s to keep him from examining Israeli reality. Using the tragedy of the camps to enrich themselves with stolen land.
Because US Christians have responded to Israel’s guilt-button pushing so long it’s almost impossible for a Christian to take an honest look at Israel without remembering Christian treatment of Jews throughout history and deluging Israel with cleansing forgiveness. For anything. Closing the eyes because Christians slaughtered Jews for 2000 years.
And Christians do so hope to see the Second Coming of Jesus. Who couldn’t overlook the stealing by Israel of the land the Temple of Jerusalem sat on so’s to hasten Jesus coming back? Stealing it back and killing any SOB Palestinian standing in the way of Jesus coming back. Nobody likes Palestinians anyway. Israel’s had a propaganda machine working 24/7 to make sure of that.
But that isn’t what Jesus would do, is it? Jesus don’t like stealing, even if it’s Jews doing it. Jesus don’t like killing, even if it’s Jews doing it.
If Jesus could somehow preemptively come back today without waiting for Israel to tear down that mosque and rebuild the Temple, what do you think he’d say?
Shunning Israel without reverting to keeping regular, honest Jews out of the country clubs or herding them into camps in the Christian countries ought to add some novelty to riding herd on International piracy by Israel.
Hi readers. Thanks for coming by for a read. That Israeli Jihad against Hamas and the Palestinians is just another example.
Israel is confused and distraught. Nobody seems to understand them, including Hamas, which shoots at them. The UN and the International Community keeps telling them they’re violating International Law by occupying and putting settlements in the lands occupied.
The world just doesn’t understand. Because the world hates Jews.
So. What is ‘right’? Israel is occupying land that belongs so someone else according to the unanimous view of the rest of the world. The people who own that land consider the Israeli occupation an act of war. They’d approve of anyone doing anything to Israel out of retaliation in hopes of eventually getting what belongs to them back.
Israel is an outlaw among nations. Declared itself to be by its own persistent behavior. And it is perpetrating its outlawry with new settlements on stolen land, attacks on the owners, and blaming everyone but themselves.
Whatever happens to Israel as a consequence will be a tragedy. Likely there’ll come a day when Israel will be lamented :
By the waters of Babylon there we sat down
and wept as we remembered Zion.
Israeli settlements in the occupied territories (commonly referred to as simply Israeli settlements) are the Israeli civilian communities[i] built on lands occupied by Israel during the 1967 Six-Day War. Such settlements currently exist in the West Bank, East Jerusalem, and in the Golan Heights. Settlements also existed in the Sinai and Gaza Strip until Israel evacuated the Sinai settlements following the 1979 Israel-Egypt peace agreement and from the Gaza Strip in 2005 under Israel’s unilateral disengagement plan. Israel dismantled 18 settlements in the Sinai Peninsula in 1982, and all 21 in the Gaza Strip and 4 in the West Bank in 2005, but continues to both expand its settlements and settle new areas in the West Bank, despite being condemned by 158 out of 166 nations in one vote, and 160 nations out of 171 nations in a different vote, in the UN.
The international community considers the settlements in occupied territory to be illegal, and the United Nations has repeatedly upheld the view that Israel’s construction of settlements constitutes a violation of the Fourth Geneva Convention. Israeli neighborhoods in East Jerusalem and communities in the Golan Heights, areas which have been annexed by Israel, are also considered settlements by the international community, which does not recognise Israel’s annexations of these territories. The International Court of Justice also says these settlements are illegal in a 2004 advisory opinion. In April 2012, UN secretary general Ban Ki-Moon, in response to moves by Israel to legalise Israeli outposts, reiterated that all settlement activity is illegal, and “runs contrary to Israel’s obligations under the Road Map and repeated Quartet calls for the parties to refrain from provocations.” Similar criticism was advanced by the EU and the US. Israel disputes the position of the international community and the legal arguments that were used to declare the settlements illegal.
The presence and ongoing expansion of existing settlements by Israel and the construction of settlement outposts is frequently criticized as an obstacle to the peace process by the Palestinians and third parties, including the United Nations, Russia, the United Kingdom, France, the European Union, and the United States.
In July 2012, according to the Israeli interior ministry, 350,150 Jewish settlers lived in the 121 officially recognised settlements in the West Bank, 300,000 Israelis lived in settlements in East Jerusalem and over 20,000 lived in settlements in the Golan Heights. Settlements range in character from farming communities and frontier villages to urban suburbs and neighborhoods. The four largest settlements, Modi’in Illit, Ma’ale Adumim, Beitar Illit and Ariel, have achieved city status. Ariel has 18,000 residents while the rest have around 37,000 to 55,500 each.
Hi readers. Thanks for coming by for a read.
The plot thickens on the politician wannabe in Montana who coincidently used identical words, sentences, paragraphs and phrases that had been used before. The paper, The Case for Democracy as a National Strategy, was also similar in content to approximately one point seven million [1,700,000] papers written by high school seniors during the past seventy years. As well as 90 million [90,000,000] papers written by university freshmen for Government 101 and Political Science 101 courses.
Back when Martin Luther King was a young man doing his doctoral dissertation he encountered approximately the same phenomenon, though nobody much remembers it nowadays. King’s dissertation was found to contain huge amounts of text previously written verbatim in dissertations earlier by doctoral candidates. And like the guy from Montana, King didn’t want to bog himself down by identifying in footnotes all the people who coincidently had been inspired to the same choice of words and thoughts as his own.
By the time the anomaly was discovered in the academic community Dr. King was a big item on the Civil Rights scene in the US [probably which is the reason it was discovered at all]. And academic reviewers were forced to conclude coincidences happen. Huge, 30-40% or more of the document verbatim coincidences.
Well, I don’t know what the Montana guy thinks about Civil Rights. And I honestly am appalled the Army War College is accepting papers from anyone on the subject of, The Case for Democracy as a National Strategy. In this instance the similar verbage found itself dually existing in the Montana guy’s paper, and a paper put together by some national think-tank foundation a few years earlier. Probably the Montanan believed nobody anywhere would have read it, and in a better world, he’d have been right in thinking so.
Maybe he just got caught up in some statistical thing being done by institutions of higher learning, scanning the web to discover how many doctoral dissertations across the country were composed of identical text from that particular document without being cited. And once they discovered a few thousand masters theses and doctoral dissertations were founded on identical text not cited from the think-tank, they concluded someone had to be made an example of.
Someone safe, not from a top-drawer university, someone white from someplace where people go to South Dakota wintertimes for the warmer weather. The Army War College and Montana seemed right. And after all, this guy already had a claim to victimhood with his post-traumatic-stress-syndrome.
They threw the word ‘honor’ in there somewhere, but the whole issue of honor went away a longish time ago around the time Martin Luther King was doing his doctoral dissertation. Honor’s just something high-ranking soldiers use to justify following orders to bomb civilian populations and whatnot. A thing of the past.
Hi readers. Thanks for coming by for a read. Let’s face it. I’ll say with complete candor that the Army War College has been pestering the hell out of me for a long time to write something original for them so’s to get all this losing wars all the time fixed. Naturally I’d like to do it, but every time I write a page I discover Robert Lee, Ulysses S. Grant, George Patton or come Chinaman or German already said it. It’s lucky I’ve read so much of what they all wrote, or I might have fired off my own original words to the War College only to find out afterward I was saying what Dwight David Eisenhower donealready said already without citing my source.
So this dick running for the US Senate in Montana turned in his work at the Army War College and whooooooops! Surprise! Someone else donealready said it. And Montana residents, almost all of whom have never had an original thought during the entire span of their lives, are pissed.
Montana veterans, especially. Whatever the hell veterans think they might know about originality, war, or much anything else that someone [they can’t even remember who] didn’t tell them or they read somewhere questionable. They’d need to punctuate every sentence, every piece of every sentence with [I heard that from Charlie down at the sewer plant, or my 3rd grade teacher told me].
Hell the guy is a dick, same as everyone else in Montana and any reason for keeping him away from Washington is probably a good one. But let’s not be hypocrites about it. Just accept that nobody ought to be in Washington and set about making sure nobody goes there.
Let’s not obscure something that makes excellent sense with a lot of BS about citing sources and pretending someone alive today has original thoughts he could say and the rest of us could cite him. Every damned opinion any of us have were tucked into our heads by Rush Goddamned Limbo, the Holy Bible, some magazine or book we read, or just crawled in waiting around the coffee machine and infected the minds of the entire workplace.
Army War College needs to quit making unreasonable demands on our service men who can’t be expected to know a damned thing or they wouldn’t have volunteered in the first place. And where do they get off with expecting original thoughts. The first thing a drill sergeant tells newcomers into the military is, YOU ARE NOT HERE TO THINK! YOU ARE HERE TO FOLLOW ORDERS.
Which is good, because there’s an immeasurably better chance they’ll be able to follow orders than that they’ll screw up and think something.
Hi readers. I’ve been enjoying Kinky Friedman’s songs since the early 1970s. Back when his band was, Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys. I don’t agree with him in a lot of ways, but his views are, at least, worth hearing and considering.
The only country-western song ever written about the Holocaust, Ride’em Jewboy, stands up as one of the best CW songs of the 20th Century in my opinion. Give it a listen.
Heck, he’s the founder of the Utopia Animal Mission rescuing stray dogs. He can be wrong about a lot without being wrong about a lot else.
In a lot of ways he didn’t intend I think he’s probably right when he says Israel is Texas in the Middle east. It used to be Ireland in the Middle East until the Northern Irish got tired of blood feuding with the kinfolks over religion. But Texas never met a war it didn’t like and killing and exploiting the weak and powerless is a song that resonates among them. A lot more than Ride’em Jewboy ever did.
Hi readers. If that death penalty fiasco in Arizona didn’t teach anything else worth knowing, it taught that. If Arizona State Department of Corrections took over the animal killing from the Humane Society the animals would all be dying of old age, getting healthier while everyone waited with bated breath for the final solution.
Thank goodness it was a human being they did that to instead of a cat.