“If somebody says, I love you, to me, I feel as though I had a pistol pointed at my head. What can anybody reply under such conditions but that which the pistol-holder requires? I love you, too.”
–Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. (b. 1922), U.S. novelist. Wampeters, Foma and Granfalloons, Address at Dedication of Wheaton College Library, 1973 (1974).
Here’s a bit more of the transcript of the recorded conversation I had a few years ago and posted here: Smile when you say I love you – uncomplicated sex:
She: I still have lots of trouble accepting that it’s normal and even considerate for men to NOT say I love you. I wasn’t raised that way, and I always thought if the man wouldn’t say it, it simply meant he wasn’t thinking it either. The first guy I ever fell in love with wouldn’t say it, and it was years before I realized he had good reasons not to. Saying he loved me would have made me draw all kinds of inappropriate conclusions.
He: I think there are lots of reasons for not saying I love you besides not loving you. The trouble is, the word’s got hooks in it. You can lie, and say “I love you,” when you don’t. But when you do, and go around admitting it a lot, that’s really screwed up. I kind of put that in this category of you and me. I try my best not to say that. I feel like it puts a burden on you to try and read into that what the hell I’m meaning, and it puts an equal burden on me to somehow assume you’re understanding, “Okay, this means this, this, this, and this, but it doesn’t mean this, this, this, and this.” (Laughter) So I generally work at not saying it.
She: From my end, I work at not saying it because I know it bugs you to hear me say it. If you’re not going to say it, I don’t want to say it. It makes me feel silly, even if I really think it and feel like saying it, when you don’t need to hear it.
He: If we had a strictly platonic relationship, we could say that, and no danger. If we were just friends, no problem, say it all you want to. Until that’s the case, you got to be damn careful with it.
On the other hand, see, the moral equivalent of your ex-husband not saying it in so many ways has brought you to where you are right now. It didn’t have to happen. I may be wrong, but I think I know women. I think I know you pretty well. If your ex-husband had done anything right, you wouldn’t be where you are right now. The guy blew it. He either didn’t know anything about women, or just didn’t give a shit.
If you have something like what you and he had, and you wanted to save it, you’d have to at least do this, to keep it going. For you and most women, “this” doesn’t happen to be much. It just takes a little bit of tenderness, a lot of respect, and the pretense, if not the reality, of a willingness to listen to what you’re saying, what you’re feeling, and what you’re needing and wanting.
I’m talking about married women who have a couple of kids and are domestic. It really doesn’t take very much to keep them happy. All you have to do is be attentive, and respectful and loving, and they’ll roll over and shake your hand, or play dead, or do any damn thing you want them to. (Laughter)
She: I feel very frustrated by what you are saying, because I feel like I’m being described as a less complex person than I am, but I can’t find anything untrue about it. I guess it works pretty well with me. When I met you I was impressed by your doing those exact things. But maybe all you’re describing is a normal healthy relationship where two people care enough to be considerate and attentive, where they don’t automatically assume they know what’s happening in the other person’s life.
He: That about sums it up.
Old Jules
So Far From Heaven 
Our biggest problem is the Germanic roots of our native tongue don’t provide enough different words to express the various shades of human fondness. The other complications you cite don’t bother me.
Do you know the Italian expression: ti voglio bene? That is “I love you” in my world. I never use the other : Ti amo, never. It’s a paradox, it’s not feasible. But it’s difficult to explain the difference. There’s no equal in english…maybe I am fond of you…still not there either. Too bad it is so, because this simplify the things a lot and we can smile over the all thing. Usually we smile both 🙂
I love language. Your translation works well enough. I wont forget that. Perhaps ‘I adore you’.
Hi Anita: Makes sense to me. Thankee. Jules
Hi Ed. Thanks for the visit. I hadn’t considered it before, but I think you’re probably a wiser man than I am. You almost certainly nailed it. Gracias, Jules
As a young woman, back when these things were relevant, I felt the implied hooks in young men’s “I love you”s. If they were too shy to mouth the words, they would tell me about house plans. There is also the phenomenon of “first you say it, then you do it,” not just applicable to oncoming Kenworths.
Hi The Good Luck Duck. Thanks for coming for a visit. As a young man, back when these things were relevant, I felt ’em too. Gracias, Jules
That seemed rather cold to me lol. hm.
arifmvega: Might be. Thanks for the read. Jules
Well maybe if you know this concept and the use of it, next time you really feel that way for a person, it can be a way to express yourself and get the right meaning in place. I recommend you to ask any Italian you might meet, what does it means. You will dicover an amazing depth in that, not easy to find in many other expressions. I said that to my father before he died. It made us in peace with death. Listen to Lucio Dalla’s song Ti voglio bene assai, the music will explain to you better than thousands words. Take care!
Anita: I’ll keep it in mind but I hope I’ll never feel that way again this lifetime. Gracias, Jules
But Jules not that I want to push, because it’s not really my intention and not a good thing to do. But what if simply caring for someone turns out to be an everyday activity, as taking care of the chickens, observing theyr behaviours. Or doing some excellent performed laundry with shining results ? Like a habit that doesn’t imply much worries, only happy observation and daily maintenance, and ….why not really really fun passionate moments?
As I said only a thought from me with affectionate intentions. Not so important…take care Jules! You actually put some caring for someone else here in this blog and as I see it pleases many people!
Hi Anita. I’m not certain about anything much in this life but I’m comparatively certain you aren’t being pushy. I’m grateful for your reads and visits. About all I can say in reply to this comment is that I don’t know much about nuthun, and what I know is only a splinter of what a person might know with a broader base of experience than mine. Within the limited context of my own understandings and attempts to be the sort of person I can respect I do, think, feel and say as best I can, what stays within those boundaries. I’m obliged for your observations. Gracias, Jules
You know Jules… Me donno nooootiing tooo! But one thing I know for sure you make me smile! And the best gift one can get in this life… Is a smile! I am obliged to u! Ciao.
Anita: Backatcha. Jules
Or you could go the route of one guy with whom I had a long time relationship with….I said “I love you” he said: “Thank you” Ouch! So I don’t say it anymore to anyone except my kids and my mom.
KL Richardson: Good answer. Thanks for the anecdote. Jules