Rattus Rattus vs Foreigners – The Universal Soldier

This was written before I realized the rats are just a diversion and Chinese containerized cargo-boxes are the real invaders.

“Trouble!” says you.  “What trouble?”

“The Ruskies went home a decade ago,” You say.  “Berlin wall came down and no one even remembers it.  The Germans are all running around hugging one another worrying about mad cows and leaving everyone else alone.

“We kicked the holy bejesus out of Samdam Hoooosane and his royal guards,” you say, “And might do it again if he doesn’t behave,” you say, “And we’re all safe and sound here in the land of milk and honey…..Ain’t gonna war no more,” you say, “Except the occasional invasion of a minor third rate Middle Eastern or Balkan country,” you say…..”All safe and sound, swords into plowshares, all that.” 

And you really believe that, do you?

Well, if you believe that, you’d better prepare yourself for a shock down to your carefully manicured and polished toenails……’cause the real challenge is still out there, the real challenge is happening right there in your back yard even as we speak, in your attic, in the sewer under your squeaky clean porcelain commode;  in the trees behind your quiet complacent little hidey hole you’ve made for yourself to stick your soft American head into.

You kept your guard up all those years because one of the Marx brothers talked about lulling the West into a false sense of security, and of course he was right.  Of course he was.

Only the time-skid was slower than anticipated and all the Marx brothers died.

Yeah, Groucho and Harpo sleep with the fishes, but it’s still going on.

The fifth column is here, now, at work near you, near your home.

“Rats.” I say.

“Rats?” You say.

Yeah. Rattus Rattus, the good American rat, the roof rat, is the only real American who knows, and he ain’t saying much. 

Old Rattus Rattus suffers silently in his simple Christian American way; fighting quietly for his homeland with American know-how.  Sure, it sounds silly and pointy headed, Rattus Rattus, but that’s his damned name, same as yours is Homo Sexian or some such thing.

Rattus Rattus struggles without complaint for his tiny children, while slowly, the habitat and other lousy habits, recede every year.  You ought to know by the name; Rattus Norvegicus, the Norwegian rat, the dreaded wharf rat:  the foreign rat the communist pinko athiest moslem heathen yellowjapaneseinvader super rat of the future is bullying him back.

While you sleep there in your complacent soft pillowland, it’s going on outside and up in your attic, in the streets, the alleys, the sewerplants, the amber grainfields, the feedlots, the silos, Rattus Rattus battles for you against the silent invaders. Rattus Rattus draws his lines in the sand, digs his little burrows, fortifies, and retreats as the highly mechanized divisions of Norwegian rats advance, house by house, burrow by burrow……Every year the Rattus Rattus line moves inward a few miles, seven miles in along the whole perimeter.

Yeah.  There are bulges, enclaves of encirclement.  Enclaves of resistance, but Norvegicus takes no prisoners, spares no one.  And you sleep silently, peacefully while your own good American rats are diminished, you who gutsylike bomb the bejesus out of other commie pinko foreign middleastern terrorist muslim and Balkans, sleep while your own brother-rats in your own back yard die without your help.

And what do you think, you sleeping bastards, will happen when the final conquest is complete?  Do you think you will be left alone, when the last fighters have all fought on your behalf, when the silent armies of Rattus Rattus are all destroyed, all the food for ravens scattered on the battlefields of America?  Don’t bet on it.  The sound of scratching in the ceiling, inside the walls has barely begun.

Time to join the battle, fellow Americans, time to get out the cyanide, the 1080, the pellet guns and the mousetraps, time to stock up on cheese, and warfrin, and time to prepare for the big battle for America in the American way.  Time to begin the manufacture of tiny tanks, (maybe Tonka and some of those can help) and artillery pieces, and scatterguns and nervegas and miniaturized nuclear weapons…..time to join in the real battle for America here at home.

If you aren’t with us, you are against us, behind enemy lines, already under the areas controlled by the foreign devils, and you won’t be spared, unless you form an underground, a fifth column of your own…..

They’ve already got all the other countries, the other continents, and as has happened so often in history, America stands alone against them, a tiny host of good American rats, behind the scenes, fighting against all odds for you, to the end……

And that doesn’t even touch on the imported fire ants killing our domestic fireants, the imported Africanized bees killing our good American queen bees and selfishly taking over the hives, the Russian Thistles (tumbleweeds) cluttering up our prairies, the imported hares (jackrabbits), the English Sparrows (that battle’s already lost), the tamaracs (salt cedars stealing our precious water for their foreign interests),  and the imported fruitflies…….it’s all there, all in black and white, been written down, so it’s true …..a multi-pronged attack against all that’s good in America…..while you sleep…….

And now the foreign weathermen, the Canadians and Mexicans, are predicting our weather, keeping the good stuff for themselves……

Old Jules



12 responses to “Rattus Rattus vs Foreigners – The Universal Soldier

  1. “Rattus Norvegicus, the Norwegian rat, the dreaded wharf rat: the foreign rat the communist pinko athiest moslem heathen yellowjapaneseinvader super rat of the future is bullying him back.”

    This made me laugh. I am so enjoying your blog! It has such poetry. Thank you for stopping by mine the other day so I could discover yours.

    I’ve only seen Rattus rattus stuffed in a museum here in the UK. Some of my dearest friends have been Rattus norvegicus, and as I think you saw on my blog, one has been creating trenches in my garden from which to make forays for supplies. Like them, I am a communist pinko atheist heathen – and in their defence, it was Rattus rattus who spread the Black Plague… but I would love to meet a live True American black rat one of these days.

  2. I don’t know if your post was “inspired” by an article I saw in “USA Today” a couple of days ago, in which they discussed most of the critters you mention coming into the country in cargo containers. I guess that’s “free trade” for you. But what scared me more was the part about people dumping their pet pythons in the Florida Everglades. Now we have breeding populations of some very large constrictors in places where they didn’t used to exist. Did I mention that snakes scare the beejesus out of me? The writer said they weren’t dangerous to humans. The picture, however, showed a dead 18 foot python who had recently swallowed a 176 pound deer. So what’s the difference between the deer and a human about the same size, other than the fact that we can’t run nearly as fast?

    I realize I’m new here, but I have to ask about your apparent preoccupation with “solar weather”. Is it tongue – in – cheek, or are you actually concerned about potential sunspot activity?

    In either case, I’m enjoying it……….

    • Morning Paul. Thanks for the visit and read. I’m a fairly tongue-in-cheek kinda guy, and the word ‘concern’ is probably too strong to describe anything about me where Old Sol’s concerned. Interest would capture it more accurately. He’s full of surprises, and I’m a big fan of surprises. But astronomy in general fascinates me.

      I post a lot about daily activities of Old Sol because nobody much pays attention to what’s going on there except academians and technicians who make their living doing it, and because everything human-beings think they know about it tends to be subject to change without much notice, overall. But Old Sol’s surface is one of the places a person gets a daily view of the interactions of enormous magnetic fields, which also is intriguing to me. http://spaceweather.com/glossary/imf.html

      As for the invasive species being exchanged across the entire planet, I suspect there are a lot of surprises in store there, too, over the course of time. I’m obliged you’re here. Gracias, Jules

  3. Hi Jules,
    I get snarly about invasive species but I had no clue we had an invasive rat. The invasion just never ends. Barry McGuire lives in a small community near my own and frequently concerts around here. I enjoy the way you are able to present music on your blog. I know how to paste in a link, and paste in a picture, but how do you get the link and picture together? I’d like to be able to do that if its easy enough to share?

    • 2gadabout: You’ll need a YouTube screen up with the song you want to include, and your WordPress draft on the other screen. Click your draft to the position you want to insert the YouTube song, then click HTML up at the top of your toolbar and scroll down to where you see your last text followed by nbsp; putting your cursor after the semi-colon. Then go to the YouTube song and below the song you’ll see a SHARE button. Click it and it will come up with a link text. Ignore that and there’ll be another button that says, “Embed“. Click that, and you’ll get another box of HTML text. Copy it and paste to the right of the nbsp; in your draft where you positioned your cursor.

      Now go to the top of your text editor and click, “VISUAL” and save the draft.

      Next go down to the link that shows on your draft for the tune and highlight/copy it and go to the toolbar on your text editor to the ‘figure 8 slanted’ or slanted infinity symbol, or chain link, and click it. You’ll get a box asking for the link, and you paste to it. Then save the draft again.

      Hope this is clear enough to help. Thanks for the visit. Jules

  4. I ate Rat in Vietnam last year. Kind of like Quail but more boney….the good news is you get 4 drumsticks!

  5. Hi Jules,
    Isn’t there the saying that rats will survive even when mankind doesn’t?
    Best regards,

    • Pit: My impression is that it depends on the laboratory and how much profit the corporation anticipates from the product they’re using rats as lab animals to test. Just my take on it though. Thanks for the visit. Jules

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